grudges

I really can not tolerate people who hold grudges. Annoying, abhorrently hurtful and childlike, well I wouldn’t even consider it childlike as most children almost always forget the puny disagreement or issue that angered them in the first place! The malicious ways they plot and scheme to hurt you further, the gossip, evil eyes and blatant ignoring of you is pretty uncomfortable especially when that person isn’t just someone you can escape from easily.

I’ve come across so many in my twenty odd years of life and I have to admit I’ve been guilty of doing so myself in my younger teen years though quickly learned how much in acting upon this way hurt myself more than the other party I was resenting.

This one person I am talking about is blood related and seems to be carrying one against me for probably two years now. I honestly can not figure out what, why or how I’ve hurt them so. Is it the $300 I owe for our pay TV service? Had I said something to offend? Or maybe even envy for my lifestyle and choices? One thing I am certain of is that this will continue on yet, which is sad because I really miss this person and I suppose as we grow older my faith in repairing what is left of this relationship diminishes more and more.

As I write this I fondly remember you’re humble efforts in breaking our fights as children, “don’t fight, you’re brother and sister, you should be friends” I can actually hear your sweet voice repeating itself in my mind right now. Well I actually hear it every time I see that person. I don’t really know how to fix it, most people just tell you to talk it out but that won’t help considering we’ve been brought up to hold our feelings back and not communicate. Plus they refuse to speak and even acknowledge my presence period.

Even though I’ve awoken and broken through that barrier I doubt they will anytime soon and I suppose I must continue on living in this way; being made to feel like an unwelcome and contagious leper and trying my damn hardest to avoid them in hopes of unprovoking this grudge further.

What a way to live.

Love,

xxx

 

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