A television show I was watching last night had me asking myself a question – and it is a question that you constantly hear, whether it be in some form of quote or as a motivation point one would make or perhaps a conversation starter around a table amongst dear friends and almost always a topic within the self-help community.
If i died today would I have any regrets?
This question posed quite the conundrum for me last night and kept me wide awake. And it was something that I was able to answer without needing to contemplate or ponder too much on. The answer was a big, fat yes.
I have lived my entire life with regret, only really becoming aware of my needs and breaking away from conforming to societies ideals in that last two to three years. Living a life prior surrendered to peer pressures and needing to look and fit into a certain cliche of people, people who in the end never truly liked me, even the person I pretended to be; and pushed away people who would have been a perfect fit for me. Living a lie was exhausting and got me to this point. A twenty something girl with a life of regret and sadness. A youth I will never get back, milestones missed and opportunities long, long gone.
A youth I want to delete permanently and never dwell upon ever again.
It’s devastating to admit to oneself and to bring awareness to this smorgasbord of heavy, burdening regret that has most probably shadowed me my entire life. But were I to mysteriously ‘drop’ dead I suppose there would be slight relief that this meager life of mine is over and that I may be able to start all over again yet at the same time I would be utterly devastated that I’d lived my life inside a frightful bubble afraid to break free and feel the sunshine warm my skin. Copious amounts of creativity and potential just gone.
So I have made a promise to myself to try my hardest to continue now to live without regret – using it as a new life motto. Erasing my past and looking forward to a brighter and hopefully, chirpier future.