that was me

Yesterday was a day of blissful nostalgia. As if I had stepped back into the past to a time sadly long gone. A time of hopes and dreams and a time when I could do whatever the heck I wanted.

A time when my impulsive self reigned supreme!

Though yesterday’s events hardly saw me adventuring out to the Australian Outback or skydiving on a whim. A mere catch up with a great friend was all. At her place of course and we hadn’t planned on journeying out of those walls but when our discussion revealed that we both wanted to see a certain movie and then she announced a humble “lets just do it, I’ll check the times,” I didn’t even have to think twice before agreeing to it!

On any other given day this would needed to be planned in advanced so I could scrounge up enough money for such an outing but having some meager funds deposited to my account that morning made it somewhat possible. But at the time I didn’t even put any thought towards that. I just happily agreed.

Impulsively.

Like I used to do-always did.

Now should I have spent the measly twenty odd dollars on the ticket followed by another twenty odd dollars for lunch? Probably not. Actually definitely not. In my current circumstances it would probably be considered frivolous by most.

And it sounds so stupid to be oh so excited about a venture to the pictures. Something that is so ordinary to most is an utter luxury to me. In fact I don’t really remember the last time I went to the movies. Well actually it was late last year, with the same friend who wanted to see the Twilight movie.

Yeah, wow almost a year ago.

It’s sad that life is this way for me but I know that it’ll get better and soon I hope. Because I want to enjoy life, even small insignificant things that people around me take for granted. Like the freedom of going to the movies or going out on a Saturday night for drinks. Even just being able to fill your car with gas. It’s things no one pays a second thought for. I know I never did back then and now it’s all I seem to do. Worrying about meager material ‘necessities’ that have now become ‘luxuries’ to me.

I know for most this hardly seems like an impulsive and exciting expedition but it was for me. Because this used to be me! I have always been impulsive like that, making spur of the moment snap decisions and choices, living life to the fullest. That’s the kind of girl I am-have always been and this important part of me has been pushed aside by nuisance circumstance all for the sake of survival. But what survival? I am unhappy but utterly grateful to be pursuing my dreams. It’s a bitter sweet situation and I suppose one day (hopefully soon, very soon) I’ll be free to go back to living in this way.

Love,

xxx

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