loose ends

The reality that my little brother will be moving out soon is all that seems to plague my thoughts now.

The horror, anxiety and most importantly the embarrassment of this reality as it draws near has sent me back into the playground hand in hand with the green eyed monster.


And though the obvious unease over this train of thought is the sheer embarrassment and despair over this knowledge, delving deeper the real issue is what this kind of move truly entails. And I’m not just talking about the fact that he’s moving into your home. No. It’s that I may never actually see him again. Well, not quite so dramatically but him residing elsewhere does mean that I’ll have very little contact.

He’ll only make his presence known during holiday events like Christmas or our parents birthdays. And how awkward will that be! We don’t speak now so just imagine him coming over for Christmas lunch. Would he even say hi to me? Would he acknowledge my presence if I dared utter a few kind words in his direction? It seems so very unlikely given the state of things today.

And then there’s the question of would he even attend such a gathering?

I know my parents think they’ll remain in contact and be all la-di-da but I highly doubt so. Expecting to venture to your home for a catch up beer every second night, or so my father thinks, my brother will no doubt be unavailable. As would telephoning him which I know he’d screen.

And I wouldn’t blame him for ostracizing us. I’d love to do the very same though in my heart I know it is not the right thing to do nor is it healthy to bottle up such rage and hatred. It’s just dismal to bear the knowledge that I’ve probably lost my brother forever. I had hopes of reconciliation but now as time slips by it feels like it’s just out of the question. And I wouldn’t even know how or where to begin. It’s troubling that we’re going to part ways in such fashion. That I may never see him again nor keep in any form of contact; growing apart and continuing on life without the other.

We’ll end up being one of those people whose estranged from their sibling, estranged over a rivalry that made no sense. Possibly to be reunited in our seniors years in a theatrical display of tears and joy though I am sure reconciliations of that caliber are primarily reserved for Hollywood screen plays. This is the harsh reality I must face; the truths and consequences of it all. Though I may crave appeasement, unfortunately we do not share the same sentiments. Maybe he is not ready to let his screw up of a sister back into his life and maybe he simply does not feel the need to mend fences with me.


So I suppose for now I’ll do as your garden does. Wear that smiley faced mask and put on a thin show of brilliance in order to hide away the sad truth, that deep down a part of me is letting go, allowing darkness to envelop me in its folds and slowly disintegrate me away to nothingness.




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