not myself tonight

This weekend while pleasant and somewhat relaxing, was actually quite colorless and ever so uneventful like it almost always is. I spent the days frivolously away in a different world, buried amongst the pages of a brand spanking new book. Living vicariously through the protagonists ever active and humorous escapades. Mentally carting myself away from my less than alluring circumstances and into the glamorous life of a designer, living in her very own apartment with a seductive and ‘perfect’ male neighbor across the hall, in a big city half way across the world.

Though I have no qualms in spending my days lost in a good book or two but whilst creating a relatively idealistic new world for myself it did also leave me contemplating my situation at hand late on Saturday night; at home, alone in my room.

How exactly would I have spent this day, if I could have lived it anyway I saw fit?

So I proceeded to compile a list of what I would have delighted to do and see and began planning out this imaginative and blissful day.

It begins with sleeping in and remaining in bed that little while longer while immersing in some light reading obviously. Followed closely by a gourmet sandwich lunch at the beach with a close friend or two. Enjoying catching up on the weeks events, face to face. Lying under the hot sun, taking in her pure warmth and vitamin D whilst also staining my unprotected skin in a soft red glow. The sounds of the crashing waves of the ocean lolling me to sleep with it’s sweet lullaby, only to be awakened to the soft nudges of my bored puppy dog. Leading onto the night with a change of clothing then venturing out in my new leather pants and high black heels to dinner and drinks with my favorite people. Basking in the darkness with some booze and laughter late into the night then crashing my head down on my doughy pillow, not caring that my make-up was only half removed and the lingering smell of cigarette smoke still clinging tightly to my hair that has cascaded around me. Falling into a peaceful state of sleep with a smile across my face.

Without a care and knowing full well that this was a day well, well spent.

On pen and paper it seems like such a ‘normal’ way to spend ones day yet for me these kind of outings have just become impossible of late, reserved only as a mental picture purely for my mind only. Moments like these that most people enjoy while I am at home, immersed in my books, visually sending myself away to a better place, so far away from what is now. I know that I am obviously not happy with the state of things, especially residing in the cold, cold home of my parents. But I think it’s also to do with my unhappiness in simply living here. I yearn for a distant place, a completely different landscape so far removed from what I know and grown up with.

If I could pack my bags and leave I would in a heart beat and without a second thought. Even leaving behind the small handful of friends for the promise of what I know deep, deep down as sheer greatness elsewhere.

But right now things like that just don’t happen for me. Maybe because I can’t afford it and maybe I am just making excuses and not being creative enough. Feeling like the Universe has forgotten me sometimes or that maybe I live too much in my head and need to stop dreaming and just start doing. And that is easier said than done when your life story remains grounded by financial obligations, no matter how much I try to rewrite the pages, tell myself it will get better the sad reality remains. Smacking hope square in the face and telling her to put her big girl panties on and see truth.

Love,

xxx

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2 thoughts on “not myself tonight

  1. I loved reading this and I love your writing style. Sometimes its the most “normal” days that make us the happiest. I think its partly because we, or atleast I know I do, often take the “normal” moments for granted.
    Great post!(:

    1. We sure do. We spend so much time worrying about things beyond our grasp that we take everyday things like sunshine and our own breath for granted. Thank you for your gorgeous comment.
      xxx

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