I’ve slowly come to realize the enormous strain I unintentionally place upon myself. This stress to live my life in a certain way, constantly comparing my standing on the ladder of life to that of others around me, both close and unknown. What is so worrisome about this, aside from the obvious mental repercussions, is that it is something I do somewhat unconsciously, allowing these comparative thoughts to evilly invade and lodge itself within my brain.
On a daily basis I find myself rummaging through social media feeds, browsing through various declarations from people broadcasting their days events, weeding out those detailing what they ate for lunch for those grand announcements and happenings of others. Enviously living vicariously through travels of some whilst also feeling that noose tightening around my neck at those publicizing engagements or pregnancies.
And it’s funny because I don’t particularly feel my biological tick, tick, ticking away but more so a clicking of another kind. The kind which reminds me that by now I should be finding ‘the one’ or my soul mate. Partnered up with someone and chattering of an exciting future together, moving in etc, etc. Since everyone else seems to be getting engaged or buying their very own first home, why am I still idle? Or at least found some success in ones career by this stage?
No. I’m practically at the same starting block as when I completed high school.
In hind sight it does not matter that I am still living at home (though it kind of does!), still single and still very much unemployed. It really doesn’t matter that what I had planned for myself at the age of fifteen has not exactly panned out in anyway. That where I envisioned my life at age twenty four never even came close to fruition. That I would remain unemployed in my mid twenties but hungrily chasing a long forgotten dream. The truth is I remain single because I don’t want another guy to stand between my dreams and myself again. I stay single because in three years time I see myself elsewhere and have absolutely no intention of remaining here.
I am doing what I feel is right for me, at this point in time and need to remember that whilst I scroll through the posts of others and start planning my funeral arrangements.
But I do think that once that biological tick does start it’s incessant quest of torture then I should be worried.