Another uneventful weekend spent drowning sorrows in greasy take-out and immersing myself in otherworldly characters splayed brilliantly on the television. One slight difference though, I also spent it warding off unwelcome incoming texts from a certain ex.
A certain someone who seems unable to let me go, despite all efforts on my part asking him to do so. I know his true intentions for reaching out to me and his motives which ring truer to a booty call then the show and dance he performs about rekindling some semblance of romance. Which is why I do not want to go back there, ever again.
Feelings for him have since long, long gone but after a horrific week at home I was feeling somewhat vulnerable and with that I came extremely close to caving in and responding back. Thankfully, I held on tight to my convictions and ignored him like I have done so for months now and continued on with my indulgent Saturday night.
So as I was thwarting off his messages while watching The Perks of Being a Wallflower a line between Bill and Charlie had me thinking of my own situation with said ex:
“We accept the love we think we deserve.”
And analyzing this within myself between what we once had and the now merry-go-round of events that continue to transpire, I found that I was split between two different scenarios. With him, I feel like I deserve so much more than he is willing or even able to give. I need more than just sex, I need stimulating conversations, impulsive adventures and travels. Stability from another half since my own is so flighty! I also need someone who makes me laugh and in turn laughs at my silly jokes. And humor is not something I am willing to compromise on anymore and he is no exception. I’ve also grown tired of ‘dumbing’ myself down and remaining voiceless, acting like a giddy bimbo because it’s what is expected of me. That is not me nor will it ever be which is why I will never turn back and go down that cobwebbed lined path of doom and gloom.
Then again maybe I feel like I don’t deserve love at all. That I am not worthy of such a wondrous thing, afraid to let someone in and allow them to heal the oozing battle wounds accumulated throughout the constant struggles that is my life. And never really having felt loved before maybe it’s a concept I just don’t seem to quite understand yet; preferring to push it away because ignorance is bliss.
Love is the holy grail of life and I have no idea which one I fall into, maybe it’s a little bit of both but secretly I do hope it’s not the latter. I’d hate to think that past transgressions have impacted me in such a way that subconsciously I would much prefer to hide from it than embrace it.
One thing is for sure though, I do know the value of my worth and I do know what I want and will not be settling for any thing less.