don’t speak

I am tired of holding my tongue, pausing before I speak, silently editing each phrase and carefully designing and arranging them into acceptable and unoffensive words. Holding back on the constant stream of creatively impulsive thoughts and one-liners in fear of rubbing someone the wrong way, triggering them to unleash that fiery brimstone of tête-à-tête, burning me to the core.

I grow weary of secrets kept locked and masterfully hidden away. Anxious of releasing them for fear of the wrong people grasping those nuggets of gold in their greedy little hands. Hands who’d love nothing more than to use it to tear my down. Use it as further proof of my silliness or Peter Pan syndrome as opposed to celebrating or supporting.

Keeping silent is no fun at all.

I stew within, quietly simmering away, knowing that I will inevitably reach that dreaded boiling point where emotions rise, crash and fall.

I find myself retreating inward far too much these days, no longer seeking isolation as it now seeks me. Finding companionship where I can, from within or through a reflection in a shiny surface, that silent friend of mine from when I was much younger that has now grown to maturity and filled with wisdom beyond her years. Even reaching out to you, hopeful you will hear me and comfort with your presence. Conversing with myself to keep the contents from boiling over, releasing the pressure whilst I spend the days away dreaming of that day when I shall roam free, living of my own accord, speaking as I once used to and sharing with those around me of my adventures.

Love,

xxx

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2 thoughts on “don’t speak

  1. You live the chaos of a person who sees more than she should, by conventional standards. It’s nice to recognize someone like me in that regard. People seem to think we lack a filter for our voices as we say and write the things that make others uncomfortable but I just don’t think that’s it at all, I think we instead lack the intake filter that others seem so desperate to maintain, limiting the world around them down to simplified ideas and sanitized sentiments. Most people like us do learn to shut up, and stand awkwardly by while we notice a thousand little details that everyone else either ignores or have learned not to see. But there are some who learned that just because they cannot find a place to belong in world doesn’t mean they can’t still have fun in it, throw caution and shame to the wind and be dynamic mother fuckers, saying what we will and damn the consequences or socially awkward looks. On a good day I am fearless, on a bad day I hide under the bed.

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