I was startled awake this morning, heart pounding and limbs stiff with terror. Body frozen in shock and mind buzzing frantically with a billion jumbled thoughts.
A nightmare in which I died, and not in a peaceful way.
It all began, peaceful and dreamy. Driving my car down Center Road, a road that has been and continues to be one I travel upon frequently. The road however is isolated, void of any life or vehicles yet nothing in this picture feels at all wrong. I do happen to notice the sudden influx of fully grown Birch trees that happen to line each side of the road, some hidden and tucked behind the regular native foliage and others with branches dangling just above the road, somewhat obstructing my path. I suddenly recall a conversation and with it I become aware of where I am traveling to. A new job. The conversation flares up and animates, cartoonish of sorts, growing above my head like a giant bubble and playing a scene until my peripheral vision is completely obscured by the playing scene.
We stand there talking, he stands there with no apparent recognizable face just a figure who happens to be tall, dark and handsome and who I instantly know to be the love of my life. I am worried, terrified about taking this job he has set up for me because we both knew it was only a temporary thing on my part and I was terrified of jeopardizing his position there. A job he very much adores. He continues to reassure me all will be well and that we’re doing it for the extra funds to complete some much needed renovations to our home. He reassures me once again with both palms holding my face and eyes locked upon mine.
The scene fades away and my focus is once again on the deserted road before me, I drive through an intersection and approach my old primary school. Suddenly I feel strange from within and an incantation sounds loudly in my mind, “As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,” I try to stop my mind from repeating this, knowing full well what is looming. A piercing ringing vibrates through my ears, the soprano pitched song drowning everything out around me as I fight to keep my eyes open, desperate to let in light to the encroaching blackness that seems to envelop me. In my mind I start to beg and plead God to spare me, that I am not ready to die, but soon I find myself surrounded in black and nothing more. Trying desperately to open my eyes they slowly pop open allowing slivers of light in, emerging and creating a foreign picture before me.
I am in a bed, lying down and looking straight ahead. I see beautiful wooden planks decorating a cathedral pitched ceiling and hear nothing but silence. As my eyes force shut once more I also note a black circular object that hangs on the white wall to my right, much like a similar clock of my own in my room. And before I awake I hear myself think I’ve been reincarnated.
Knowing I was helpless in falling back to a peaceful state of sleep I was curious and desperate for some form of enlightenment and reassurance so I reached for my cell, opened up Safari and Googled, “What does it mean to dream your own death.”
And after scrolling through countless websites the majority rule was that I will be experiencing change. And the severity of the dream meant I was in for a massive change. Though far from reassuring I am still a little fearful. This oncoming change bound my way I pray won’t be a negative one, I hope it is change for the better as I don’t think I can take anymore downhill turns. I couldn’t exactly find an answer on what it meant to be terrified whilst dying, which for me seems to be the catalyst.
Trying to pick apart the dream itself is not much use to me as I seem to find meanings and hypothesize on almost every point. Like driving down an isolated road, perhaps my life is about to become less lonely. The new additions of Birch trees lining a road that’s vegetation has not changed since as long as I can remember could imply a positive change of scenery. The conversation with a stranger who happens to be my partner could imply help is at hand or my longing for love. Then again my consciousness of my impending death and pleading with God to let me live could be proof that I am in for a battle and will need to fight for my dreams.
Those are all the positive references my mind conjured about change, but there could very well be negative meanings to those points, as well as pointing to a negative outcome for change. Driving down an isolated road when in fact, the reality is actually quite the opposite. The road is constantly buzzing no matter what day or time and having foreign branches dangling precariously overhead could symbolize new hidden obstacles I will have to face or perhaps being pushed further into recluse. And then there’s a conclusion I keep coming to, obstacles, isolation and moving towards something I do not want could very well mean that I am driving towards something I do not want, a new job that I am taking that will not serve me yet I keep stumbling towards it. The end of my dreams. The painful closing of this chapter and onto a boring new one, one in which I do not want to move into.
The again the sudden plunge into death could also mean being spared right at the last minute!
I hope for the positives obviously.