ungrateful?

Well I did the unthinkable, the dreaded and the oh so awful. I bit the proverbial tongue and spoke to my brother. Since he’ll be departing from this house of horrors soon a few loose ends needed tying up such as the cable and internet connections. No dramas really and surprisingly he spoke back to me, regardless if it were in a hostile manner or not. I was grateful he didn’t continue to stare tonelessly at the game playing on TV, allowing whistle blows and grunts to drown out my nagging voice. That was until the subject of our cable connection came about and I happened to mention that I was planning on disconnecting our sports package since I can not afford to pay for it and our father said he wouldn’t pay the extra to keep the connection active.

Unbelievably, he sneered at me in disgust over this. Responding with a blunt, “like he hasn’t done enough for you.”

I was speechless, shocked beyond belief over that statement and honestly I don’t quite remember if I happened to just walk away and bite my tongue or if I remarked with something equally as sharp and despondent. I pray I walked away and somehow without so much as uttering a single word. But it’s hard to tell if I offended him further since his whole song and dance of avoiding sharing the same breathing space as I has not subsided nor grown more drastically.

What I do know is that statement left me thinking, searching and clawing away at myself all weekend. At first all I could think to do was sit and make lists, upon lists of ‘things they’ve done for him’ versus lists of my own shortcomings and sense of abandonment. Of course I always found in favor of myself since he has always been the golden child, the favorite, the boy.

He’s definitely had it easier than me.

But dwelling deeper I suddenly began to wonder if he was correct in that sentiment? Was my perception on everything totally skewed and incorrect. I mean what wasn’t I seeing? Was I truly being an ungrateful brat since according to him I completely was. He had made his own mental lists of why I got things ‘easier’ whilst he was left with the runt. Was I creating some distorted reality were I labelled myself as the victim and the unwanted evil spawn set to burden everyone in this family?

But then I think of those friends I grew up with. They saw it, made jokes about it too so I could not be imagining it. I suppose in my various shades of hate I could be blocking out certain ‘things’ though of what, I’m not quite sure. Perhaps there is a smorgasbord of grand gestures I’ve never been fully aware of or had taken for granted. And for the life of me, I can not name one. All I can do is look around me now and see what they’ve done for him and are doing for him:

I see your wonderful home gutted. Your essence completely torn, shredded and discarded out to those cold, lonesome streets. Replaced by his obnoxious stereo system and gym equipment. I see a house I longed to dwell in, torn from my unwilling grasp. I see piles of money being thrown to someone who doesn’t want it, was content to leave things as it was. Most importantly I see a person lavished with abundance while another lays broken at their feet, begging for a few spare crumbs to aid them in standing tall once more.

I guess our perception of certain things differ from different eyes. We all walk in different shoes, experience and feel things differently. His feelings are valid as are my own. And I guess that’s just a part of life itself. We will always crave what another has, see their fortunes and not our own.

Love,

xxx

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