while I am down

This weekend was brutal.

Utterly brutal.

Starting on Friday when I went to work at my volunteer position. It was an ok day, until I reached the end of my shift and I happened to overhear the pastor and another member of staff discussing something that had my ears prick up. It was the words ‘trial period’, that made me listen in, but all I seemed to make out was that this new candidate has good computer skills and starts on Monday. So it would appear that they’ve hired someone and did not even consider me, despite encouraging me to apply for this stupid position. I didn’t even get an interview nor the common curtsey of informing me that the position may be filled. They think they have a great thing with me, not required to pay me and I know my shit. Well guys, it looks like I won’t be hanging around much longer then.

I arrive home, elated to see my parents have not yet arrived but it is short lived since they pull up shortly after. Later that evening Mum calls me into the lounge room, using that tone of voice that screams j’accuse! According to her I’ve ‘stolen’  a glass dessert bowl from a boxed set and a crystal water goblet from a different boxed set of yours. She wasn’t (nor is she ever) in the mood to hear me out, no time for me to plead my innocence, like always. And honestly Maria, I really didn’t take or ‘steal’ as she put it, those pieces. For starters the glass goblet and bowl are not my style (no offense) and secondly one piece. One glass and one damn bowl! Why in all of God’s green earth would I take just the one? I am a stickler for even numbers so if I was going to commit such a ‘crime’ surly I’d take the whole box of six and not one.

No, not according to her.

Honestly, I believe that bowl is somewhere in your kitchen, or wherever they’ve now stashed your loose dinnerware. And that glass, I am pretty sure she broke it last year when we were cleaning out your lounge room. I could have sworn I remember her being all distressed and moody because she broke a glass or two of yours at one stage. But whatever, this is a battle I am never going to win so I will just walk away and ignore her insistent pestering and antagonizing ways.

After that I found myself in the study and saw sitting pretty on top of our printer a letter addressed to my brother. Not that I have prying eyes or anything but a certain something about it’s green facade caught my attention and before I could turn, run away and bury my head in the sand I realized what exactly I was looking at; a change of address form. And addressed, right at the top was his name with your address below. Seeing his name with your address was such a blow. This was an address I had spent months – no more like years visualizing as my own, so it hurt like hell. I walked away since he was barreling down the stairwell and made his way into that room. He ended up packing away all his computer jargon and carting them off to your place. It wasn’t until I was sitting on the couch playing Candy Crush that I was struck with dread. The printer. Surely he hadn’t taken that with him? So I got up and poked my head carefully into the room. Low and behold he departed with the printer and it left me fuming. I am the only person who actually uses it and I really, really rely on it for when I sell something on eBay to print out mailing labels. Plus I am almost certain that mum and dad purchased this printer, not him. I also know for a fact that I was the one who brought the last cartridge, in fact I am the only person who ever buys those cartridges.

I don’t know what about this that irked me most. The fact that I desperately need a printer for my meager financial survival or that I forked out a good $30 for that damn cartridge not long ago and have nothing now. I don’t really know where to go from here since my friends live too far away for me to make trips out every second or so day so I can use their printer. I literally just used my last ten dollars to buy a silly lotto ticket hoping I’d at least double or get that money back but alas won nothing. Yeah, I can be stupid like that. So I have to wait another week for my welfare check to come in before I can reaquaint myself with that sweet, sweet smell of dough and buy myself a new printer. Only thing is I sold a dress on Sunday which the buyer kindly paid immediately so I’m faced with this conundrum faster than anticipated. I could ask him if I could come over to use the printer but I fear he’ll just tell me to go f*** myself c***.

Yes, in those exact words.

It continued to Saturday morning when I noticed the WiFi was not connected on my phone. No big drama, sometimes the connection is bad and my phone switches back to 3G, but this time I felt those uneasy stirrings rolling through the pit of my stomach. I made for my laptop and of course no internet connection. Had it not been for the intense red rage clouding my vision and the steam escaping from my ears I would have daintily collapsed to the ground. My brother disconnected the internet. Surely he was not capable of such a malicious thing? Apparently yes. I spent the next hour of that morning trying to figure out the spider web of connections. And all it took was a simple connection from the modem to the WiFi. That’s all. All that stressing and crying, feeling like life was over as I knew it and all he had to do was plug one stupid cable in for me. It was such a cruel thing to do.

I was feeling rather down in the dumps by Sunday morning after all of that and the lottery loss. By lunchtime dad comes rolling into the kitchen and announces that I will need to start paying $100 board now. Oh because I am old and my brother has moved out. As if that justifies it? So now he’s gone apparently their expenses will be going up? Yeah right. Don’t you think that if I could afford to pay rent or board I would NOT be living in this house of horrors? I mean really? I wish they’d just stop continuously kicking me while I am down, flat on the ground.

Photo by Delilah Woolf

Then before dinner I find out my brother had a house warming party yesterday at your place. I felt like everything froze around me and within me. All of my worst nightmares about such a move, manifested in a hot New York minute. And there is nothing I could do about it. It just makes me sick to think who was there and what was happening let alone the state of the house in the morning.

The final blow was after dinner, which I forgot to mention was a ‘special’ dinner for my brother. I overheard mum and he talking in the kitchen, mum telling him not to buy this and that, that she would buy it for him since she always looks for specials. To bring his clothes over to be washed on Tuesday and the cherry on top, she made him a packed lunch for work on Monday. I wanted to barf at this all. When it comes time for him to leave he says goodbye to mum then comes into the living room where dad and I are watching Grand Designs Australia. He says goodbye to dad with a tap on the arm and walks away.

No farewell to me or any eye contact for that matter.

So this is how it’s going to play out. Ignore me like I’m some monster from a dark lagoon; unworthy of his valuable time. Time I can’t afford or just are not cool enough for. I suppose reconciliation truly is out of the question which is sad, he is my brother and I really don’t understand his beef with me. I have to admit I’m feeling rather worse for wear, trying to keep my chin above the engulfing waters that are more than keen to pull me underneath their surface. I thought Mercury Retrograde was over with, more than eight days ago now so when is this streak of bad luck going to come to end? I just want some good news, something to keep hope afloat.

Something to keep me going.



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