I had dinner last night with an old high school friend, the same friend I had previously spoken about here and here. You know Liz, that friend who I was practically inseparable with and that friend you adored so very much. I know I had questioned her motives in the past. Innocently pondered at why she would suddenly feel the need to reach out to me out of the blue. I know it is a friendship I began to think that I probably needed to disassociate myself with and I was starting to wonder if perhaps she had felt inclined to do so also. But for some unspeakable reason I just can’t seem to unbind myself from the ties of our friendship and last night’s little dinner carouse affirmed this.
It completely confirmed that this is a friendship I genuinely miss and do not want to disconnect from.
Our catch up dates always begin on a slightly awkward note. Once we were joined at the hip, making a point to see each other daily despite our incessant telephoning and text messaging habits. These days we seem to approach one another as if mere strangers, unsure of how to proceed and what to say next. But slowly the ice melts and the walls we erected come down. I can practically feel us back at those carefree days, like when we were seventeen; despite that in reality we’re really only half way there. I can speak honestly, perhaps confiding in her too much about certain things. Things pertaining to my disintegrating family unit. But it just feels so agreeable to finally talk to someone who has witnessed this for themselves; who was never fooled by their shams of smiles and happiness. At times when I do speak to my friends, friends who knew me after high school it’s hard for them to relate and understand the situation at hand since they never read the previous chapters and are only acquainted with a vague synopsis. With Liz I don’t need to explain things because she immediately gets it.
She’s met my family and she’s quite familiar with the past.
So when I begin to mention how my brother has now moved into your home and how he’s still being babied by mother, despite his qualms, she nods her heads in understanding.
“He’s always been the favorite”.
When I mention how my mother has again decided to shun me out all because I went out the other night and believes my explanation to be lies, she replies with an exasperated “again!” and laughs, helping me see the humor and nonsense of it all. And of course when I accidentally happen to mention that my brother also has disentangled himself from me and now snubs me at every possible moment she shrugs it off.
“He’s always been a little weird and socially awkward anyway”.
It’s such simple, straight forward response that helps me see with clear sight, and God do I miss her friendship. And since we can’t go back in time, back to when we first met in high school at age fifteen or when we cemented our BFF status at seventeen, I just wish we could start hanging out again. Just talking and calling like we used to. But I know it will never be like that again. That we may never get back what is now lost. And I feel like there are other sinister forces at play to the eradication of our friendship. Maybe it’s just life fleeting through, drifting us apart as the years pass with great haste. Or maybe it’s her husband who’s never taken a liking to me, feeding into her ear.
And perhaps I being too rash, reading far too much into things, seeing what is not actually there. Irrevocably blinded by wishful thinking and a longing for days now gone. Maybe I am just feeling more alone than ever, my loneliness finally finding courage and speaking up after years of bashfulness, seeking and aching that kind of friendship back. And who knows, she begins maternity leave next month so maybe with some free time on her hands (or not since a bouncing baby boy also enters the picture now) we’ll once again find or make time for each other, yet again rambling on and on about pointless nonsense, perusing through shopping malls on the wrong side of the tracks and eating ourselves sick with peanut M&M’s.