it’s my birthday and i’ll cry if i want to

My birthday. Sigh. She sings like the rude, uninvited and obnoxiously drunk dinner guest that almost always carelessly spills her red Merlot all over your not so pristine white shag carpet rug as she makes a bee-line for the bathroom. No doubt to cause even more of a fuss in there. I hate to admit it but I am certainly feeling the strain of being pushed to my financial limits lately, this morning inciting a new panic to the mix. Add to that fact my birthday is officially less than twenty-four hours away…

Yeah, that’s just swell Maria.

Birthdays have always been something I’ve been thrilled about, even in those days when I was never allowed to have birthday parties or invite friends over. Even when I received nothing at all or when people forgot it completely. There was always an interminable sense of ecstasy surrounding the days prior, but these days the magic has worn thin and it is as far from joyful as it can get. A birthday now seems to cement yet another year of failures. Of regrets and what had not transpired.

Another year lost forever.

It feels like the most ugsome of days, like I am sealing my fate for yet another year of heartbreak and misery. Like a lost drifter walking aimlessly on roads less traveled on. Holding onto hope that he may hitch a ride with a passerby but knowing full well no one frequents these roads.

Pointless almost.

Everything of late has only served to further asphyxiate and the knowledge that the big 3 – 0 brews within a few years now does not help. Wondering if I’m going to make it. If I’ll ever see that stupid white light in this dank Cimmerian cave. And that has been the battle raging within. Do I or don’t I? I do not wish to reside in this perpetual state of darkness but can I really hold out for much longer or will the next phase of discomfort truly break the camel’s back. The minutes that tick away feel like a countdown for doom, not so much about my birth date but the feeling that something big is on the way. Like sitting at the doctor’s office awaiting an injection. Awaiting that horrible and painful prick of the needles head to pierce through skin and invade your veins.

xxx

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