nights of disillusion

As you’d probably suspected it’s been one of the worst birthdays to date.

Unfortunately.

I know it was all I was preaching. How I was fearful of this days arrival, terrified even and somewhat inclined to think that the 30th of January would be the most awful of days. I guess I was hoping and expecting to be proven wrong. To be shown by the Gods just how much of a spoiled brat I’ve been, distracted by the negatives and shown my blessings and stuff. I suppose that’s what we all think. Our birthday is meant to be a day of perpetual happiness; at least that is what I believed.

What yesterday showed me was quite the opposite and very much heartbreaking.

It despicably enlightened me on just alone I truly am. Even that small handful of friends whom I treasure so really let me down. I spent the day staring at my phone, waiting for a message or two, even a phone call from someone, kindly wishing me well. But I got nothing. Continually opening up Facebook at embarrassing minute intervals to see if anyone left some kind words for me. Yeah, nada. I did get a phone call from my parents wishing me a happy birthday followed closely by a “look for work” plea. But strange enough, from my friends I got nothing. Not until late last night when a friend sent through a text and included an apology for forgetting and leaving it so late. I also got a Facebook message from another friend right before the stroke of midnight and that was it. The others? Well, I guess, they forgot. It was heartbreaking because I hold them in such high regards, have incredible respect and loyalty for them and I guess myself am not held in such regards. I know people are extremely busy these days, and I wasn’t expecting anyone to roll out the red carpet nor throw me a surprise party (which mind you, has been something I’ve been desperately wishing someone would kindly take upon themselves for me since I was a little girl) but a quick ‘Happy Birthday’ would have made me smile. Shit, even Facebook reminds you!

Even Liz sent me a Facebook message at lunchtime. Extending the simple phrase with a few more gracious words. It’s hard to swallow, knowing that you’re not as important to some as they are to you. Thinking you were a part of something when in fact it couldn’t be further from the truth. Feeling even more out of place and lost in this world. Worst still, being around people who make you feel alone. And Robin Williams couldn’t have phrased it better.

I used to think the worst things in life was to end up all alone. It’s not. The worst thing is to end up with people who make you feel all alone.

-Robin Williams

Maybe I am just being overly sensitive, having not found joy I turned to that inner darkness and reveled with those make-believe horrors lurking under the bed. I guess I am hoping to be proven wrong still. But I can’t shake the feeling that no such endeavor exists. Maybe I am to blame, making such lightheartedness of my day, giving people the illusion that I don’t care for it so they write it off thinking they’re doing me a kindness of sorts. I don’t really know.

What I do know is that it hurts like hell. It was painful yesterday and remains still. It makes me miss those days when I was part of a group; my high school buddies. When there was six, seven or eight of us. Close knit and even though I was never ‘close’ to most of them, they always had your back. But we drifted apart, growing into the people we’ve become, needing to find other like minded individuals to spend our days with. I guess I just miss having a group of friends, being part of something again or just having someone who’ll call and text you throughout the day.

I didn’t realize just how unhappy I was and the need to find my own way through life, to find a group of people who’ll understand me and want to spend time with me very much real. That I haven’t exactly found my place as such or with the people I need to be with. Like real creative types who’ll get the process, the sadness, the roller-coaster of ups and downs. Who’ll share with me the joys of looking up at a cerulean sky dotted with gossamer white clouds. Always inspire and push me to go further. Help me shape my dreams and ideas while I do the very same for them. But most importantly, just be there for you.

Especially on your birthday

Love,

xxx

robinwilliams

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