It’s your birthday and you bet I’ll cry if I want to. You’re a leap year baby so in truth you must be in your early or mid twenties. I’ve never been quite the math whiz and since you’re no longer here to remind us, I don’t think anyone would even be sure anymore. But seventy is ‘technically’ what you’d turn this year, even though given the lines on your face one would have never guessed it so.
Quite the milestone seventy is. And I’d imagine we’d be celebrating it with fervor had cancer and Alzheimer’s not taken you from us.
You know, I miss you more and more as the days get bleaker and the nights unnervingly darker. I miss the anchor of love you provided freely. I’ve never felt quite so alone around people as I do now and I wish I could just speak to you. Face to face, woman to woman. Come over to your house as it was, knock my knuckles against that orange stained glass window pane, the raised circular pattern biting into my knuckles leaving them raw and pink, step inside onto that plastic carpet covering, my sidekick leaping forward past me in a hurry to greet you. Her paws merrily clicking away loudly on the resin sheet. I’d find your petite frame curled up on that brown leather upholstered dining chair, sidekick already swept up in your arms showering you with affectionate wet kisses. Those once ghastly wooden veneer kitchen cupboards laying perfectly intact and in place behind you. I’d hand you your present with a hug and a kiss and listen bashfully as you read aloud the simple message of well wishes inside a floral and gold foiled adorned card.
I can practically see it all before me like it was just yesterday. Like a memory made not so long ago. Feel the anticipation building within as if going over to your home right this instant I’d find that scene above awaiting me.
A memory yet to be created.
The reality is we won’t be celebrating, at least not as a family anyway. We’ll go to the cemetery and lay some fresh flowers but that will be all. I proposed the idea of getting a birthday cake, celebrating between the four of us but it was shot down as foolishness. And while I am unable to deliver some fresh flowers to you of my own, I’ve lit a scented candle instead. I know it is not much but it is the best I can do, for now anyway. I overheard mum reminding my brother last night to go to the cemetery and say hello and light a candle because it’s your big day. It’s your seventieth birthday. I get so angry at his bored response. Brushing it off like it is meaningless and the most inconvenient thing. Getting enviable over everything he has attained because of you. Mad that he can act so shamelessly nonchalant.
Knowing deep down he won’t turn up today and make some ill-advised excuse to mother leaving me miserable over it and having to pick up the pieces with her. Pieces in which I’ll end up being the punching bag for, facing the brunt of her sadness and anger head first.
Comparison is the thief of joy and I feel like he’s been on a mugging spree with my happiness. Though he always leaves some of it behind, creating that false sense of security and hope. Lurking in the shadows he awaits until I’ve managed to amass a nice amount of the ‘happy’ stuff and pounces on me once again, repeating the attack and leaving me with the tiniest remnants of joy.
He’s quite the sick man.
I feel myself deteriorating physically and now terrifyingly mentally too. Being plagued by panic attacks were my brain is persistent on the fact that I am having a heart attack though my fingers at my pulse say otherwise. Feeling anxious that these sorts of feelings may very well manifest into something real and deadly. I can’t seem to find rest at night until well after two in the morning and have begun feeling more sensitive to the darkness the dead of night brings. I have developed the strongest compulsion to sleep with my light turned on but mother now screams at me from her room to turn it off. So unaware of the battle raging within, more concerned with the ‘bills’ she needs to pay.
It has been over one week now since my first panic attack and last night to mark the anniversary lo and behold it struck yet again though it was far from bad as the first night was. This time my heart beat quickened slightly over the nonsense my brain was spitting and I couldn’t seem to calm it down, which in turn brought on more panic. I blame this episode squarely on her. I woke up yesterday completely refreshed and alive, expecting a marvelous day ahead. Marvelous it was until she came home from work charging in like a bull, taking out all her frustrations and anger solely onto me. She fears she may lose her job. A part of me evilly sits there rubbing my hands together saying “excellent”. Maybe she’ll now know compassion and learn empathy with the understanding of what it’s like to lose ones job. Then again the selfish side prays this isn’t so because having her at home means I will have nowhere to go and more importantly nowhere to work. Plus she’ll be in the most foulest of moods yet so I don’t know how on earth I’d be able to stand up when facing the brunt of it all. I don’t know how I’d manage to keep from crumbling into oblivion.
All in all I just need some compassion, love or support to see me through this. Something that I don’t quite understand the how’s or whys and will not be able to anytime soon because I don’t have the luxury of seeing a doctor. I don’t need anymore added stresses clogging me up and I certainly do not want anymore fuel added to this disorder. It’s something I pray will fade away and not develop into something serious that I may find myself battling for the entirety of my life.
I need peace now more than ever but things are going so crazy right now and I feel like if you were here they wouldn’t be so out of control. That mum wouldn’t be so damn erratic. Then again Mercury is in retrograde and she tends to go ape shit bananas when it does. It ends today so maybe I’ll see a shift in her soon. I really hope I do since my life may very well depend on it.
If only you were here! You had the most calming aurora that always managed to rub off on anyone near; her included. And what I would give for some of that to cleanse her now. What I would give just to have you here today with us, celebrating your birthday even.