a pretty heart

People really seem to perceive my kindness as a form of weakness. And my passive nature as an easy way of shoving me around, doing as they please because they know I won’t fight back. They push and poke knowing I won’t retaliate. And I am sick of being treated in this way.

Being provoked in some sick game to get their kicks. I know I am a good person (despite what they say) with a big, pretty heart and I treat others as I want to be treated myself. So that doesn’t give them the right to just walk all over me as they please. I won’t step up to the ring with my boxing gloves on like they so eagerly don because I understand that everyone is fighting their own unseen battles and that they’re just taking it out on me because they perceive me as an easy target, a punching bag of sorts but enough is enough.

I choose to hold off on the antagonistic banter because I do not want to suffer the negative karmic repercussions from acting out in such a deplorable way nor does this world need anymore bad vibes circumnavigating and consuming it. I believe in love not war but I feel like I need to start defending myself because carrying the world’s weight on my shoulders alone is too much to bare and it is actually manifesting and causing real internal and physical problems for myself. I feel like I am on the verge of teetering over the edge of insanity, constantly aware of a non existent pounding heart beat and trying to ward off spontaneous panic attacks. All of that pent up anger and suffering in silence has now come back and bit me square on the ass.

You know I used to be a real fire cracker and hell I wasn’t a very nice person in high school either. And sure it was all a fine tuned little number I put together, acting like a tough little bitch when deep down that was farther from the truth but people knew not to mess with me ever. It’s not a performance I am proud of and is probably one of the reasons why I choose to hold back and bite my tongue when others proceed to vent their frustrations out on me. But I am just so sick of being pushed around like some plaything.

So do I begin attacking right back, to a small extent at least or continue to hold tight in silence and let a possible self-diagnosed cardiophobia continue to eat me alive?

xxx

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