locked out of heaven

What if I am in purgatory?

A living, breathing state of nothingness limbo. I can’t help but question what is real and what actually isn’t since things of late have just been unbearable. I feel like I’m slipping and loosing control of everything right now and yesterday I really felt the rug pulled from beneath my supposed firmly planted feet. I don’t feel like I am in control anymore. More so that someone else has forcibly placed their brawny ample hands upon my shoulders and swiftly maneuvered me onto another path against my will. And it seems that no matter how actively I may struggle or how cunningly I may attempt to dash back to the path of my choice they are there, lurking, waiting for me to collide back into their hands.

It’s a difficult struggle and one that involves quite a bit of tears and self-pity. I wont lie, I’ve contemplated suicide on more than one occasion now though I know I don’t quite posses the type of cahones needed to actually go through with such an act.

Image via Pinterest

But I just feel like there’s no point anymore.

And this is where the idea of purgatory comes in. The questioning of reality; my reality. Maybe I truly am in purgatory and nothing is actually real around me. It’s just all smoke and mirrors. Surrounded by emotionless, robotic drones with painted faces of people I once knew in a different dimension. Going about in circles, stuck in an invisible and impenetrable bubble and watching out from my not-so heavenly cell window as others around me are faced with the same sentence unknowingly.

Maybe this is my punishment. A punishment for a previous life in which I may have acted in a truly despicable and deplorable way or maybe I just succumbed to anguish and took my own life as a means of trying to find some peace to a weary mind.

According to Catholics and other religions acts of suicide or attempted suicide result in immediate extradition to purgatory or hell. Buddhists or religions believing in reincarnation believe those who do such a thing are then plagued with a constant battle against suicide in each reincarnation. You reincarnate for a reason and your sole purpose is to battle those demons and continue living; finding happiness somehow. Though most fail every time and cave in to those dark demons and pressures. And can you blame them? So they go around and around, life after life miserable and deprived, seeing only one option as true comfort and rest though in reality it couldn’t be farther from the truth. But when you finally break through the cycle, take that different road and let nature take its course your reward for doing so is finally freeing yourself from that burden. Or something along those lines anyway.

And maybe mine is just that. Maybe I did commit suicide in a past life and I’m here once again to break the cycle. To be put through the ringer as has always been done but to keep afloat without drowning. Finding myself in impossible situations because it’s a stupid lesson I must learn from and ultimately resist the temptation that supposed eternal sleep brings.

Then again maybe none of this is even real, just another figment of an overactive imagination. Or maybe I’m just on the verge of insanity.

Brain finally giving in.



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