Yes, I’ve got another bone to pick and quite frankly this one has really pissed me off.
My ever so adoring parents are trying to convince brother dearest to travel with them overseas next year. Their greatest and most convincing point in this lengthy debate is that our grandfather will be turning 89 (or 90 don’t quote me on that) and this could potentially be the last time he’ll ever get this ‘once in a lifetime’ opportunity to see him again. Oh and another minor detail is that they intend on throwing some big celebratory bash in his honor.
So what’s the big hoo-ha about this you ask?
Oh I don’t know something like, what about me?
WHAT ABOUT ME?
Seriously guys? So I don’t get the liberty to see my grandfather extended to me? Be part of this possible huge milestone? And all because what? Because I’m not employed right now? Because I can’t afford the flight? Shit, thanks y’all. So I am to be excluded from this? Just forgotten and passed over like yesterdays trash. And don’t even get me started on my pondering of whether or not they’re entertaining the thought of paying for his flight. That right there will make a girl bat-shit crazy.
All in all I just don’t get it.
Sure he’s never expressed the faintest interest in traveling to the motherland as opposed to myself whose a total (unashamed) travel whore but why does that give him preference over myself? So he needs an extra incentive but surely traveling to Europe with his parents could hardly be considered rewarding. And I’m pretty sure they know that, yet there they are, pestering him about it and all right in front of my nose. Am I that invisible? Or am I that much of an embarrassment to you? What, you’d rather voyage with your most important and wonderful son and all because he has a job and a house that you’re helping pay off? Too ashamed of your oldest daughter who does not work and still lives at home with you? So what rules me so unattractive in your eyes means I just have to miss out and deal with it. Deny my grandfather the chance to see me possibly one last time too. Obviously if I could I’d travel there every year for a week or two and reconnect with my father’s side of the family but that is not a luxury I can simply obtain from thin air at this time. Shit, I can’t afford gas for my little Honda most days!
It hurts like hell to hear them whispering in the next room. Asking him, fawning over him, convincing him by guilt tripping into coming along. Did it not occur to them that perhaps I might also like to see my grandfather one last time too? Or am I truly just not that important? Be penalized all because I can not pay for my flight or because I am not the golden child? The one whose life is so on track.
It’s like that old aphorism; the rich getting richer, poor getting poorer. I feel like I’ve fallen overboard their expensive super yacht and have been treading water ever so poorly and all the while they’re out there, seated on the deck, sunning themselves whilst enjoying a tall glass of Moet and watching me struggle out there and all with a mixture of bemusement and disgust. It’s horrifying to think or imagine that I’ll never get to see a man I never truly knew much about ever again. Never get a chance to sit alone with him on his terrace overlooking that green valley brimming with all kinds of vegetation and all under the shelter of his bee ridden grape vines. Sit there in silence with him and listen to priceless stories about his side of the family and life in general. To loose yet another grandparent, my last remaining grandparent here on this earth, before getting to know the person they are, learn their traits and connect those puzzling dots would destroy me with guilt.
Guilt for loosing another part of me, for just throwing it out to the wind to be lost forever.
It’s such a damn shame to be excluded from this, to be denied even, especially when they know, they know my troubles and yet are still willing to look past me onto greener pastures. To not see the situation and think perhaps I might like to see him one last time too even if that means footing the bill. Is it not for a good cause? I mean it’s not just another vacation, there is something of importance at play now, something they are organizing themselves for Gods sake and yet here we are!
So here’s to another day of crying and moaning, feeling helpless and alone and now the possibility that I may be missing out on the celebration of a great man and the family reunion of a lifetime.