How invisible am I truly? I mean I’ve always suspected-nay knew I was partially obscured by unknown barriers and bubbles that kept me camouflaged away and harbored from all the good of the Universe, but I guess I was completely unaware of just how masked I actually was in this world. And I am not ok with remaining so hidden away. Not ok with being unseen or unheard by others, strangers included and just plain tired of abiding in an anonymous and clandestine state. And what is worse is that I feel like this blanket also extends to my friendships. People who I thought truly saw me turns out they may not have paid witness to what actually lies beneath.
Then again I suppose the fault is not entirely on them, for they can only see what I allow them to see right? It takes two to tango after all so I mustn’t chastise someone for something they’ve never paid homage to in the first place. It ultimately lies within me so how do I change all this?
How do I show them what I am capable of when a portfolio would never do justice?
For instance a friend just moved into a new inner city apartment yet failed to seek any sort of advice or guidance from myself in regards to the interior styling of her new abode. Interior design was always something I had a passion and flair for, it was my life’s ambition until I once again became acquainted with my love for the written word and it took a back seat. That said our love affair never fizzled out and still burns greatly. And they all knew this. At least I thought they did. I mean I know that Liz certainly remembers this side of me considering we spent a morning a few weeks back throwing ideas back and forth about window treatments for her new home, yet this friend just forgot? Or didn’t even notice my crazy Pinterest pinnings on my interiors board? And though Liz may have known me longer it was she who saw me transform and grow up. I’d shared my new hopes and dreams and interior design still remained and remains still in those very dreams. So why did she not consider me?
Why did she not seek my help when I am well up to task for such things?
She sought help from another. Someone less experienced and less knowledgeable than me and in turn they created something dated and hideous. I was taken aback when I came in and did the tour and found ghastly blacks and metallic greys that suck up all the very little light that streams through her small-sized windows. It was just so drab and dated and not at all matching her personality which is vibrant, free and fun-loving. And don’t get me wrong, I am not using this letter as a means to bitch about the other girl and her sense of style, I just needed to get this off my chest because being overlooked hurts like hell and made worse when it gets rubbed in your face unbeknownst to the other party. Things such as these are to be expected of my family but not my friends, not those who I’ve confided in most. Who I’ve turned to in times of need and who I thought understood what lies behind my veil.
I always thought they saw my creative side since it’s what dominates and rules my vessel yet here we are. And now I need to find a way to break free of this invisibility cloak that has shrouded me my entire life. Perhaps seeing is believing and that is the key to its removal, yet that is so much easier said than done. Hustle? Maybe I need to hustle more, be even more vocal and taking it to the next level like screaming things down their ears? Either way the world and sorrow swallowed me whole so long ago and now I need it to release me. I need to be free because I want to be seen and I want to be heard and I just don’t want to keep living behind this veil.