cover of disillusion

aa1bd8f2503a5bbe279420b1d76e0cc2
Image via Pinterest

Why does my mother feel the unrelenting need to air my dirty laundry just as she’s opened the kitchen window? Why does she feel an incessant desire to raise her issues with my apparent waste of space persona when the window panes are pulled open?

Why?

When there may be unexpected ears eavesdropping or an audience in attendance? Then again such revelations would no longer be of astonishment at this stage for any passersby since she’s been carrying on in this way for months now. I just don’t understand why issues need to be voiced, and voiced loudly at that, only when an opening to the outside world has been made. As if she is seeking an audience. Fishing for another being out there to pay witness to the madness even.

And because of this I suddenly feel completely insecure here, afraid to poke my head out of these walls in fear of being noticed, accused and judged by those who’ve overheard my transgressions. And when I pull out of the driveway in my little Honda, I bow my head down, slightly weighed down anyway by the ginormous black sunglasses I wear to obscure my face, like some Hollywood starlet escaping from the glaring flashes of the paparazzi. I don’t like to venture out there anymore and if I do I make a point to tiptoe around and whisper in case anyone else is out there fretting in their yards. I feel ashamed and at times maybe even embarrassed but for what?

I don’t really know.

Perhaps it’s the way her words contort to make me sound like the most vile human being on this Earth. Or how I am such a loser, lagging behind others and that worth is purely judged on appearances. And maybe now I am actually starting to believe her lies, feel them trickling down my spine, taking root and causing chaos from within.

xxx

Advertisements

2 thoughts on “cover of disillusion

  1. Okay.. wow, this is pretty heavy. I am sorry you are having to deal with this… I have an older daughter and she and I did not get a long well when she was an older teenager but that was because she was trying to tell me how to live my life. I am sure you are not attempting to do this, so I don’t understand the attitude and treatment. By the way, you are more than this, you are better than your circumstances and you do not have to live this way for the rest of your life… there is a light at the end of the tunnel, there always is.. You are a really good writer 🙂

    1. I know it takes two to tango in these situations. And I’ve royal screwed up in my early twenties which is probably what she holds onto and refuses to see any less than what I’ve now become. She doesn’t approve of my choices nor could ever understand that this is my life and my shoes to walk in alone. She was also raised in this way and is a curse her predecessors failed to break. I hope to break it one day. Should I ever be fortunate enough to meet a man worthy and start a family of my own that is!

thoughts? secrets? leave them here

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s