I don’t think mine is ticking away, I guess like it should when you reach your mid/late twenties. And in it not ticking away is that a good or bad thing?
Maybe because I’m so consumed and preoccupied with actually moving out of home my body has yet to realise this or perhaps even pay a sliver of attention to the faint murmurs of such a thing possibly clucking away unnoticed?
Literally everywhere I turn someone and I mean someone has given birth to their first child now. And just when I thought watching them all getting married was icky and gross with all that lovey-dovey wedding snaps they incessantly post to Facebook, I am now enduring the insufferable mess of those first-born pictures.
Don’t get me wrong, I am delighted for them, all it just feels all too amiss for some bizarre reason. It still feels like we’re all still seventeen and in our final year of high school, not in our twenties, settling down and creating a new generation of beings to roam this overpopulated planet of ours. I can’t quite apprehend how we all came about this point in life. How nearly ninety percent of my peers are married and have conceived their first child and all in the spate of the past four months at that! What the hell? Was there something circulating in the waters of Australia last winter? I mean come on! And while not all are married as yet I can name only one other who is also single, though they’ve also been through a divorce so I guess it doesn’t really count in my favour does it?
I suppose it feels somewhat odd not to really feel anything. Especially when, technically it’s about this time when you supposedly notice it and stuff. But all I feel is incredible fear. Fear because I am in no way ready for such responsibility nor am I willing to give up my selfish ways for another, dependent being. And though I yearn for a family of my own someday, that day feels like a good ten or twenty years away for me yet. Then of course there is the whole age thing. The older you get, the harder to conceive apparently and thus kind of makes the above null and void.
Aside from the fact that my soulmate has yet to make an appearance and all I seem to be acquainted with is Mr Right Now’s, I am also heavily focused on paving the way for my dreams. I’ve put them on hold for far too long and have now sacrificed and put myself in unsavoury positions for them to just give it all up in the pursuit of starting a family. I am actually content with the solitude I’ve forced upon myself with only my sidekick for company as I strive to forge my name into the history books.
For now that is.
So I suppose it is a good thing, for me anyway, to not hear my biological clocks ticks. To not feel yet another noose tightening around my neck. That said can you imagine when it actually does begin to tick away? I’m not so sure I’ll manage quite right. I mean I am practically drowning in the furore over having not yet left my parents nest, so I can’t even begin to contemplate what it will be or feel like when the urge to start my own family truly sets in. Horribly unbearable I predict. And that is a scary thing. The pain that I’ll have to endure especially if such a thing were to just simply occur tomorrow perhaps or even in the next few years and I remain still as I am today; nothing changed nor improved in any way. I’ll be a raging hot mess.
An uncontrollable, raging, hot mess.