I was watching a smutty television soap drama the other day and the closing scene was of a lush party filled with revellers dressed to the nines. Impeccable hair and questionable make-up. Counting down to the New Year they were. But in the humble moment in which one of the main male leads of the show comforts and embraces his friend, assuring them that a New Year was upon them and that it would be a better year, I found myself thinking back to the start of my own 2014 and of my hopes and dreams for the very same thing.
Unfortunately, looking back now nothing has actually changed nor improved.
And we’re almost half way through this year. And here I am, continuing to teeter on the edge of real financial doom and now my health has seriously deteriorated, in particular my mental health. But worst still is that everything is still the same, everything remains as is. I’m beginning to see a pattern, see a picture take form of a cruel, cruel mimic of the dreadful previous two years. Another repeat of that standstill.
It’s my worst nightmare all over again. Repeated with the same nothingness. A waste of time, regrets, full of regrets. Watching as time frightfully passes me by, those so-called golden years of being fucking young and living it to the fullest while you still can slipping away with the sands of time. Exploring the world and dipping your toes in different ponds. Paving new and exciting pathways and getting ready to settle down. At least that is what I’ve wanted for myself. To live as freely as possible, see and do as much as I could. I choose this path and I think I’d choose it again, but I’ve found that this path has reached a dead end. And it’s been something I’ve been too alarmed to admit to myself. This impasse or road block that I just can’t seem to shake nor find any illusive detours to get around. I can’t seem to break free and I just simply don’t know how I am going to either.
One thing I made a point to do this year was to create a jar and fill it with little notes of wondrous events that occurred as they came into my life. I was hopeful to fill it daily, even twice daily Universe permitting, but to be honest I haven’t exactly kept that going. I think I pretty much stopped after February when I first experienced panic attacks, but prior to then it was still a pretty empty jar. When I started I actually expected to surprise myself by finding a jar brimming with a million tiny handwritten miracles. A way of proving myself wrong, that yes, good things indeed happen to me. And I’m not saying they don’t but I wanted to blow my mind away with this. To see just how many little things do happen to me on a daily basis. Prove that demon from within wrong with irrefutable evidence. Yet, when I actually pull out those feeble little pieces of scrap paper I can pretty much hold them steadily in the palm of one hand. And the sad majority of these little miracles are actually of small $15 wins through playing the lottery. Oh and there is one about how I won a competition for a pair of sunglasses, but that is pretty much it; tiny lottery wins.
I mean could fill the jar up with notes about the wonderfully painted pink skies I witness at dusk or the copious puppy cuddles I get from my sidekick, but for me that’s kind of cheating. I know these are truly wonderful moments, and I am fortunate to experience them daily. I am fortunate enough to actually recognise and see the beauty around me. I guess the real point of the jar was to see the extraordinary. The miracles of happenings that don’t actually happen on a regular basis or come to me naturally. Stuff I just seem to forget because my mind is a sieve and strains out the good, holding onto the bad. I wanted to remember and see for myself that these little things I yearn for do happen to me and are not simply reserved for others around me. Things like a charming smile and a hello from a stranger, a good-looking stranger at that. Stumbling across a bright pink $5 note on the sidewalk perhaps. An anonymous rose or handwritten letter in the mail. Or finding a four leaf clover out in the park while I walk my dog.
I just want to see and feel something different, something more.