Everything is beginning to take its toll on me, health wise.
It’s a scary thought since I’ve always been fortunate to be fairly healthy. And by that I mean I never broke any bones growing up. I never had illnesses that saw me bed ridden or rushed to the hospital nor caught woes from “kissing” boys like some of my peers. My only ails were from common colds and viruses and sure I did twist ankles on occasion as a child, but that was the worse of it.
These days however, I can’t seem to catch a damn break.
It all started with those wretched panic attacks. Anxiety and a constant fear that I am going to have a heart attack and die. Feeling, hearing and at times even seeing my pulse throb away most menacingly, both during bright and dim hours of the day. An annoyance that kept me awake most nights, it’s thump, thump, thump drilling into my head like finger nails scraped against a blackboard is to some. After weeks of that I sprained my ankle during the night of that Blood Moon Eclipse and whose pain was that severe it shifted focus away from the anxiety. Following that influenza struck and left me exhausted during the day and restless at night over the blockage in my nose. And now, this past week I’ve been suffering lower back pain. A pain that is virtually non-existent during the day and late hours of the night but blooms during the wee hours of the morning. And it’s during those hours that I manage to finally find rest, when it’s darkest before the dawn, and now my back decides to flare up most uncomfortably. Now keeping me up all night.
And with that it’s been weeks or maybe even months since I had a decent night sleep. One were I manage to doze off effortlessly and wake up feeling somewhat refreshed and very much invigorated. I wouldn’t even mind the broken sleep I am so accustomed to, in fact I pray for such a night. The usual cures and remedies don’t help. Exercising myself stupid, starving myself or limiting calories all in the hopes of abolishing any lingering and excess energy stored. But it’s no use. It seems my mind has caught up to my ploys and thwarted them, swatting it away to get the upper hand yet again.
This sudden bout of insomnia is starting to worry me. And worry me because I’m not getting enough sleep and I am a person who needs her sleep.
Like, really needs her sleep.
If it’s not anxiety keeping me up then it’s pains and as of yesterday I can add ringing in my ears to this growing list of concerns. A ringing that Doctor Google diagnosed me as possibly being Tinnitus and apparently it’s a result of being tired and stressed. Well I’m tired because this stupid ringing keeps me up dammit! And the same goes for anxiety. It rears its ugly head because I’m not getting enough sleep. Even though all this restlessness is caused by those issues themselves. I guess no one gave them the memo eh?
I suppose I just didn’t realise just how colossal a toll everything was taking on me. And just how stressed out I’ve been. How I’ve grown so numb to it especially is scary. I’ve probably been carrying all this with me, suppressed, for years. And I think I could even pin-point it back to my last travel adventure which was over three years ago now. So that would be three years of pent-up stress, a pressure cooker that has erupted in the most spectacular of fashions and one that is manifesting into aches and pains. Watching and now feeling myself deteriorate in such a way is horrible and I just want to give myself a big, reassuring hug. Then again I’m getting older and perhaps I am no longer that ‘spring chicken’ I once was. Youth has now left me and with that the joys of having such a resilient body. Is this what life will be like now as I get even older. My health just going downhill and spiralling out of control?