I had my second session with the shrink yesterday and even though I didn’t cry half as much as what I did previously, overall it didn’t end on a pleasant note. In fact it left a really sour taste in my mouth and I’m rather conflicted over some major advice given to me. Or more like, forced upon.
It begins as we delve into my life of late and how lately life is in control of me when it should be the other way round; I should be the one in control. Which is true. I guess I don’t really feel like I’m in command, it feels more like riding a wave without direction and hoping I’ll reach the shore somehow. Then we delve into my financials and how I am stuck in a vicious cycle. Unable to break free without consequence. One of these solutions to my freedom is simply to declare bankruptcy. But I have a very strong aversion to doing so. Mostly because it means I’ll be forced to remain stuck here in Australia for seven more years and that is not something I am willing to give away so freely. To be essentially trapped here and without hope is a no-no.
She made her point that I’m actually unable to travel now because of my financials, and I agree but rebutted with the possibility of a miracle, that anything can happen. I mean I could win a competition since God knows how many I enter monthly! My father could decide to assist in going over to visit family in Europe or a friend could ask me to accompany them on a work trip too. Then of course a friend could decide to marry overseas and worse still I plan to marry overseas also so bankruptcy is just not on the cards. Hell if I was smart enough I could save and manage to juggle it all because I have done so in the past. But she shot me down almost immediately with the phrase that hopes and dreams are for children, and that I was now an adult and needed to be realistic.
I was really taken aback. And ok, sure, I need to be realistic but what is life without hope?
Seriously, what is life without hope?
And this is where I am conflicted. No more hopes and dreams? It just doesn’t gel with me. And to go down that road would be the end of me. Hope is all I’ve ever had and with the life I’ve had to lead hope is my saving grace. It helps me see that light at the end of the tunnel, see the possibility of something more.
She also made a point that seven years would just fly by. She has a client in the same situation and seven years flew by for her. Wow, thank you dear. Seven years of my life lost to misery and discontent. Another seven years to be further consumed by regret and sadness. Being stuck in another hamster wheel with no end in sight. Seven years from now I’ll be in my mid thirties and my ambitions and goals will just have been thrown out to the wind, lost and with no way of getting them back. I’ll have to give it all up for mediocrity and I can’t do that. And to be shot down like that hurt and really pissed me off. The voice in my head tells me I’m doing ok, that I need to keep on focusing straight ahead because the rubbish that piles and lines the sides will be cleaned out eventually. To just trust in the Universe. I know this might sound stupid and irresponsible to some but to me it just makes sense. It’s inexplicable how, but it just does.