she believed she could, so she did

I had my second session with the shrink yesterday and even though I didn’t cry half as much as what I did previously, overall it didn’t end on a pleasant note. In fact it left a really sour taste in my mouth and I’m rather conflicted over some major advice given to me. Or more like, forced upon.

It begins as we delve into my life of late and how lately life is in control of me when it should be the other way round; I should be the one in control. Which is true. I guess I don’t really feel like I’m in command, it feels more like riding a wave without direction and hoping I’ll reach the shore somehow. Then we delve into my financials and how I am stuck in a vicious cycle. Unable to break free without consequence. One of these solutions to my freedom is simply to declare bankruptcy. But I have a very strong aversion to doing so. Mostly because it means I’ll be forced to remain stuck here in Australia for seven more years and that is not something I am willing to give away so freely. To be essentially trapped here and without hope is a no-no.

She made her point that I’m actually unable to travel now because of my financials, and I agree but rebutted with the possibility of a miracle, that anything can happen. I mean I could win a competition since God knows how many I enter monthly! My father could decide to assist in going over to visit family in Europe or a friend could ask me to accompany them on a work trip too. Then of course a friend could decide to marry overseas and worse still I plan to marry overseas also so bankruptcy is just not on the cards. Hell if I was smart enough I could save and manage to juggle it all because I have done so in the past. But she shot me down almost immediately with the phrase that hopes and dreams are for children, and that I was now an adult and needed to be realistic.

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I was really taken aback. And ok, sure, I need to be realistic but what is life without hope?

Seriously, what is life without hope?

And this is where I am conflicted. No more hopes and dreams? It just doesn’t gel with me. And to go down that road would be the end of me. Hope is all I’ve ever had and with the life I’ve had to lead hope is my saving grace. It helps me see that light at the end of the tunnel, see the possibility of something more.

She also made a point that seven years would just fly by. She has a client in the same situation and seven years flew by for her. Wow, thank you dear. Seven years of my life lost to misery and discontent. Another seven years to be further consumed by regret and sadness. Being stuck in another hamster wheel with no end in sight. Seven years from now I’ll be in my mid thirties and my ambitions and goals will just have been thrown out to the wind, lost and with no way of getting them back. I’ll have to give it all up for mediocrity and I can’t do that. And to be shot down like that hurt and really pissed me off. The voice in my head tells me I’m doing ok, that I need to keep on focusing straight ahead because the rubbish that piles and lines the sides will be cleaned out eventually. To just trust in the Universe. I know this might sound stupid and irresponsible to some but to me it just makes sense. It’s inexplicable how, but it just does.

Love,

xxx

 

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7 thoughts on “she believed she could, so she did

  1. Never give up hope and dreams!

    Trust in the universe…
    I have never thought of it that way before. The universe is constant, stable, because it is restrained by laws and rules. It was made that way. So it is trustworthy; it will never change. Because it was made that way.

    *~ Food for thought ~*

  2. The shrink’s advice is just one professional’s opinion, it isn’t law. I think your concerns of being 7 years trapped are legitimate and real. I also believe your hope for a spontaneous solution to present itself is real too. Trusting the universe is a great idea, and if the universe points to bankruptcy than so be it. But for now I think the best solution would be to just be open. Not letting the shrink’s advice get to you is probably a challenge but I think if you take the emotion and defeat out of it and try to be objective about it and go through the motions of what would happen if you did follow said advice and thought up with solutions for the problems it posed, you might find some peace somewhere. You sound so close to finding that peace, I can tell because you’re already willing to trust the universe. Ain’t no life without hope!

    1. Thank you for your comment and you’re right. If the Universe leads me straight to it then I’ll do it. But I know it hasn’t and doing it makes me feel ill. My gut just screams out for me to hold on a little longer, that I’ll soon see the bigger picture you know. It is just one opinion and I’m slowly getting around it. Trying not to take it to heart or as an ultimatum of sorts. I have to trust in my judgement, it’s gotten me this far already so… xxx

  3. I can understand where you are coming from… no judgements from me as my ex put me into financial ruin many years ago.. I just have one question, it the money you owe something you could ever pay back? Second, I totally agree with you, what is life without hope… growing up and maturing has nothing to do with holding on to hopes and dreams… that councilor needs to know and understand that. Don’t ever give up on your dreams or hopes… you are right, you never know 🙂

    1. Well I believe it is, somehow. It’s spread out so tackling it head on is near impossible but I feel like there is another way and solution other than just declaring bankruptcy. What that is, I haven’t figured out yet and I kind of feel like the Universe is maybe even whispering ways to me, or maybe it’s yet to show me. Either way I’ve had time to gather my thoughts and think things over and going down her suggested path is NOT something I am willing to do. I’m glad to see I’m not the only one who thinks hope is essential to life. I was really starting to question my belief in it for a while. That maybe I’m being childish or something. Dreams and stuff are not for adults! Bullshit! LOL! Thank you Launna so much for your support and advice. I really, really appreciate it. xxx

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