flesh and bone

My parents are unfortunately on their annual leave from work; for four weeks at that. And it hasn’t been at all unpleasant, but it hasn’t been a bed of roses neither. There is still the occasional awkward silence post a disagreement and of course the avoiding of one another remains firm and unchanged on both parties. They oblivious to the ache and dejection in my eyes, and I trying to overlook those tears and quiet sobs that float out from the kitchen doorway or behind closed doors. But they have thankfully departed to their beach house for the weekend, and in them doing so I was finally free to note just how tense things really are in these parts. And in this peaceful, golden silence of mine I’ve been able to take stock of the seriousness of my deterioration.

Not just mentally but worrisomely, physically too.

And it’s these physical differences that can no longer be cloaked away with the skilfully quick stroke of a foundation brush. No amount of Vitamin E rich cream will soothe the stubborn dry skin forming a mutiny on my visage. And the once charmingly youthful incandescence has strayed; wayward but hopefully not irretrievable. And the cause of all this sinister rousing is coming directly from acute stress. Though I’ve grown so disturbingly immune to it, so accustomed to this trespasser that I’ve been numb to the extraordinary pressure that must be raging from within. I just don’t feel those characteristic symptoms and that my friend is a very dangerous area to be in.

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In not being able to feel those usual nuisances that stress brings, I’ve allowed it ravage my entire body; both inside and out. And my absent-mindedness has empowered it in its uncontrollable growth physically.

The psoriasis that has always plagued my scalp has now become indestructible. Nothing will alleviate it. The usual medications do nothing to aid and I feel like I am now forced to walk upon the Earth with a scalp resembling snow-capped mountains. Some kind of horrible yeti like creature minus the gigantism. I do desperately try to conceal those beastly dark spots with my hair, but it is to no avail since the once prized volume and bounce in my once Pantene commercial worthy hair has also vanished. It has lost its sheen and grown submissive to the hefty weight of it all caused by its uneven boundless length. A length you can thank yours truly for butchering away at time and time again. And the two or five grey hairs that annoyingly sprout forth are not helping camouflage those white specks that I know a passerby disgustingly cringes at, while mistaking it for dandruff. If only.

Yes, that is all thanks to stress. And because he refuses to leave my side this condition shan’t be improving anytime soon.

Then there is my usual healthy, luminescent skin which has sorrowfully faded away. As if someone has come along and simply blown out that flame that burns so brightly. And in losing this light I feel like I have aged terribly so. I never exactly had the face of a twelve-year-old girl but I certainly passed as someone in their early to mid twenties. Easily. Now I just look awfully overwhelmed. And I fear the Psoriasis may move from my hairline and onto the visible parts of my cheeks as I’ve now encountered one or two dry patches that refuse to be nourished by the creams I slather upon them. And the cold winter’s day does nothing to help remedy my situation sadly. My eyes are tired and dull. That once cherished vibrant green has been lost alongside the flame that was burned out. My overall features just seem to droop with the sadness I carry and my usual colouring has virtually been flushed away.

And like an artist with an eraser to a drawing, I too feel like I am being slowly expunged by stress.

I also have an exhausting time attempting to sleep at night because of the anxiety that bubbles within. And lately when I do happen to drift away for a few moments of slumber I awake, fiercely clenching my jaw. Another sign of this uncompromising stress and another symptom with possible distressing consequences. But the main cause for alarm is that I don’t really know what I can do to rectify this problem. And I don’t even know what it is exactly that is burdening me so? Aside from the usual grievances that can not be changed that is. So what the hell can I do about this? Especially when I’ve become so utterly susceptible to it. And I don’t even know where to really begin. I already attempt to exercise daily, I do strive to eat right, I meditate and make sure I have some down time each day. I’m pretty much doing all those typical stress reliving procedures so what else can I do? And do before I am forever lost to the clutches of my affliction.

How can I relive my stress woes Maria?



One thought on “flesh and bone

  1. I remember the last horrible 6 months I lived with my ex husband, what you write sounds exactly like how I felt. I almost felt like I was disappearing, I was quiet, tried to keep the peace, did whatever I had to do so that insults were not thrown my way. This was when I first heard of the Secret and I focused on how to become free. Within a month, a way was made and I free. That was when I started getting my life back and myself… now if I could really get passed what ‘he’ did to me.. This is a good post, a lot of people will read it and feel connected to those words and thoughts of yours 🙂

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