deconstructed flower

I find myself in tears as I write this, stupidly over some abhorrent and nonsensical argument that swiftly escalated the moment she freed her mouth. I can’t actually believe I’m even going to pester and bore you with such frivolities Maria. And I can’t help but feel slightly ashamed that the source of such melancholy stems from a disagreement over two humble dog toys that were discarded on a rug from the weekends festivities between my sidekick and I.

Bewildering, I know.

Image via Pinterest

But what makes this dealt hand so extremely unjust is that I had the most wonderful of weekends. Having been left to my own devises I was finally able to completely unwind in the most slothful of fashions. I was replenished and jubilant, until now where I find myself collapsed and cemented to the atramentous ground after a disorienting and dizzying plummet.

The thing is I am in my mid twenties and in a world were my peers are burdened by rents or mortgages, marriage and children, here I am subsisting as an adolescent, bombarded with ridiculous rules and restraints. Existing under a roof teeming with such vile poppycock and brimming with hostile disapproval. Impossible drama that is perpetual. It seems like they refuse to observe peace, and we must constantly rage and battle wars but for what purpose?

This isn’t me being passive and childlike as my so-called shrink would like to brand it. I just want peace. And I suppose I’m one of those ‘hippies’ raging on about making love not war, but you know what? Those scorned ‘hippies’ had it damn right all along. The world would be a loving and happy space if we’d just practice kindness – real kindness and compassion to one another, not just a select few.

Imagine it.

Rather than tearing down those perceived to be weaker and shunning them from abundance, what if we were all on an equal playing field? Picture what we’d accomplish in the grand scale of it because there is no ‘I’ in ‘Team’. But of course it’s those conceited few desperate to remain fastened to their thrones that keep up the farce.




2 thoughts on “deconstructed flower

  1. You know… I don’t think I will ever truly understand why people think that tearing another person down will make them feel better… I say this because when I was married to my ex Andrey, he felt the need to tear me down at every opportunity… he has no space in my head anymore and what he thinks or says means nothing to me. That took years and he was only my ex husband… Not my family, I think it is especially sad when it is your family, they are the ones you are supposed to feel safe with, be yourself with… Yet that seems impossible for you. I wonder if when you finally move out, if they will treat you differently… I really hope so, and I hope that day is not too far away for you. It is difficult to live with so much negativity… I wonder how your parents deal with all of that, they must show it to each other too…

    I love how you write from the heart, I am sad for how awful and defeated you feel… believe me when I say this… you are better then what they say and you deserve to be treated with love and respect, hopefully one day they can see that too…


    1. I can’t understand it either. How blind people can be with the force of their words. It’s not right. I want to be free of this, I need to be because all of this negativity is manifesting into real, internal health issues. I’ve always been fortunately healthy and this year I’ve spiraled out of control and I know some people may think it’s silly to point the blame on negativity but I do. And I firmly believe so. Thank you for your kind words. Self worth is something I struggle with, though it’s more of a silent, internal one and I suppose like most of my “issues” it’s something I work hard at disguising. I just need to remember that I am what I am and who I am is incredible. No matter what they think. I don’t think I’ll ever get understanding or forgiveness from them though but I’ve accepted that long ago.

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