For the past, God knows how many weeks, I’ve spent my Sundays rummaging through my closet in search of illusive objects. Articles and items of value that I could possibly part ways with and sell for some cold, hard, cash. Though these days it’s more a case of reluctantly relinquishing my possessions all in the hopes of earning a few extra quid to sustain yours truly. And I’ll find myself pursuing such lewd conduct while I impatiently await a miracle to develop and liberate me from selfishly auctioning off my children and being such an atrocious sartorial mother. What is so tragically (not) funny is that in reminiscing some previous letters to you, I unearthed that I was acting in the very same manner a year prior. And it’s utterly absurd that I remain as I was, maniacally imitating this vapid cycle.
Wasted in a reluctant tug-of-war.
I’m entangled within this sadistic phase of seeking possessions to hawk. As if something in vogue will magically materialise before me and with its tags remaining fastened. It’s a fruitless weekly venture and more a hunt for those friends of mine who aren’t garnering attention. It’s those note-worthy pieces that I now bid farewell to and saying adieu has been the most burdensome thing I’ve endured. Like a beloved Chloe dress I purchased when I was nineteen. I spent a ridiculous amount of money and was too afraid to don because she was utterly striking. The Swarovski ring I purchased vacationing in the USA and wore to a winning Red Sox game, gone to another. And that silky faux-fur vest I brought five years ago at a bargain price. Sure I ended up making a small profit but that does not make the process slightly more effortless.
And I detest that I do this yet I desperately need to, until the Universe assists me then I can finally put an end to this bedlam.
I am afraid to detach myself from my material belongings that hold memories and value. Discarding them is like dumping a vital piece of my existence, freeing it from the clutches of my misery and into another’s bliss.
But I’ve perceived a slight shift in attitude within myself of late. It’s those very pieces that have remained on eBay for some time, awaiting an individual to meet the price I’m willing to surrender for, those very items I held onto for dear life are now taking up unwanted residence within my now sparse closet. Unbelievably I’m praying for a sale and counting down the days until the auction concludes. Will one of those three watchers finally place a bid on that damn Marc Jacobs blazer this time?
Before I couldn’t bear to part ways and now I impatiently await a sale, counting watchers daily and praying someone will finally place a bid. Dreaming and making plans for that extra $200 that would come my way. And even though I’ll have every intention to deposit those funds towards my cell phone, I know I’d end up foolishly depleting it elsewhere.
And whilst my closet starved and slimmed down to nothing over the years, I’ve noticed it slowly perking up. Slightly fattening with cheaper pieces as I shamelessly break that cardinal style rule of quality over quantity. A closet that was once teaming with opulence and brands like Sass & Bide, Herver Leger and Louis Vuitton to name a few is now overshadowed by Kmart and “cheap” pieces alike. All probably produced unethically in a third world factory so their prices remain affordable. I’m not hating on those “cheap” brands, in fact they’ve become a God send lately, helping me to cleverly disguise the charade that I am doing well in life. Aiding me in being presentable and stylish without breaking bank. In fact I think I’ve developed quite the knack in living the “rich girl style on a poor girls budget.” Still, I yearn for those fruitful days and pray they’ll be back for me soon.
And when they do I highly doubt I’ll be as cavalier as what I once was; nor be as superficial. All in all I think this Cinderella moment of mine has taught me a healthy respect for the green and material possessions in general and how not to be wastefully frivolous but to be truly appreciative. Maybe this is what the Universe wanted me to recognise? Maybe it needed me to be truly attentive before bestowing upon me inconceivable success and blessings so I wouldn’t just squander them away like I had previously?
What do you think Maria?