I stumbled across a rather thought-provoking quote over on Tumblr the other week which has failed to be erased from my mind ever since. Those very words have resonated and embodied more so this past weekend, which was utterly rancorous. The events of which have left me combating undesirable chest pains today. Thank you anxiety for being the bane of my existence. Anyway, the quote went something along these lines:
You insult me then are outraged over my tone when I defend myself.
I wish I could locate the actual animation once more, just so I knew exactly what was said and by whom. Word for word since I’m positive I’ve misquoted. But this line relates to my home situation and my standing within. Which is yet to improve; if ever.
In previous months I’ve attempted to be respectful of my parents, regardless of the copious punches thrown my way. And despite the agonising pain and injuries incurred, I held back. They have continually declared and proudly made their point abundantly clear that this is their house and I am no longer welcome in it. Regardless of their malice I’ve yearned for peace, tirelessly enduring their wrath in silence whilst simultaneously biting back my tongue and withdrawing the claws that itch for freedom.
Every time they’ve kindly reminded me of what a spinster I’m becoming. Every time they mention that I need to be wary of the junk I consume because God forbid they have a fatty for a daughter too. Every time they find the need to remind me that no boy would ever want to marry a “pig” such as myself. Every time they’ve found it necessary to emphasise how my peers are married with children. And every time they’ve hypocritically criticised my relationship with my dog, bantered and mocked our time together, the way I speak to her in high-pitched tones and insist she accompany me everywhere.
They’ve unabashedly pushed me to the edge and continue to nudge and prod me, perfectly aware how close I teeter to its brink.
And this weekend something within finally snapped and I began defending myself. I spoke up against their ignorant judgments and petty insults when warranted, to which they have not responded sympathetically to. They rather my stagnant and emotionless poise. Preferred me to remain that silent drone while they raped me with their callous words.
Now I too bite back with vengeance and fury and it is completely inconvenient for them.
Now they secretly stand huddled behind corners in not-so hushed whispers, nefariously bashing my name behind my back. Speaking unkind thoughts and wishing ill upon me. Whining and complaining of the woes of my apparent cancerous presence. And they know I can hear. Every single word. And those damn words, they sting and plague like no other. Like a parasite they take root in my mind and consume every shred of positivity, every morsel of confidence and every grain of worth.
And what for?
Is this what they consider to be “tough love”? By throwing me out into the cold and abandoning me in a time of great need? I’m supposed to learn what lesson from you exactly? Respect or hate? That your love is purely of convenience? So far I’ve become aware of my titanium resilience and strength. And I know perfectly well who has helped me along my way and who has belittled me. There is not a shred of understanding nor compassion in their cold and selfish hearts. And they couldn’t handle a minute in my shoes let alone a day or years even.
I’ll rue the day when I walk out of their lives for good.