losing my way

I think I am in the throes of a second mid-mid life crises. Who am I? This seems to plague me most. A real confusion as to who and what is the real me since I am not positive I truly understand. Not as I should, or at least I think.

The thing is how does one even discover this about themselves? How do you actually uncover who you are as a person? Does it lie in your passions? Or is there some kind of checklist were you mark boxes or a quick Q&A on the back of O Magazine? Soul searching even?

I’m just dumbfounded and because I can’t quite discern who I am, I’m now questioning everything around me. Like do I really enjoy reading scribbles from the greats or is this because as I writer I feel compelled to be knowledgable in the writings of F. Scott Fitzgerald? Do I really enjoy making people laugh or have I become the jester because it is an uncomplicated route to connecting with others? And are my ambitions and desires truly my own? Or is this just another character I am unconsciously attempting to emanate?

The girl I try so very desperately to become is confident, powerful and lives every day to its fullest. She walks to the beat of her own drum and does so proudly. But do I really? And do I actually want to be her? Portray such assurance? This girl lives in a decadent world and resides in a modernised 1960’s bungalow adorned in calacatta marble and the most enviable closet. But does dancing in Jimmy Choo’s make me whole? Does it truly make her acceptable in today’s society or is she yet again conforming to some idealistic view of who one should be and look like to garner attention and ultimately love?

Image via Pinterest

And in manifesting this, in desperately trying to evolve, what if I am setting myself up for a massive fall? Lusting after a certain lifestyle and pursuing dreams that will ultimately leave me unfulfilled?

How do I even begin to discover the essence that is me?

Maybe my lack of travel is what’s chaffing me. My soul, a crazed addict in dire need of its next fix stirring up a cacophony of troubles. A kind soul had informed me of an article the other day to help discover my traits and why I am the way I am. To ultimately understand my nature. I’m yet to delve into it having been unable to make time just yet. I’m hopeful to undertake it this weekend as I can’t continue down this destructive path for much longer, chasing things that I may or may not actually crave, baffling myself in quizzical nonsense while drowning in pitiful sorrows.





2 thoughts on “losing my way

  1. I love writing and I have not read Fitzgerald… you must really like him…

    I think we are forever trying to figure out who we are and why we are here … I have to agree with you that wishing for a certain lifestyle is not what will make you happy… One of the happiest times in my life was when I was 15 years old and my father stood up and finally believed us and left my ex step mother… You know why I was happy? I was free… that is what is makes me happy and I know that can make you happy too.

    I used feel imprisoned by my ex when I was married and living with him.. once I was able to free myself… that made me happy. He could no longer tear me apart and if he did, I could tell him to leave, I didn’t have to listen to him anymore. I was free… that is was brings true happiness.

    Strive for that… and you will be happy 🙂 xox

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