Apparently being entangled with an identity crises and having my world completely disintegrate is insufficient for the Universe. And just when it seems truly impossible to sink farther nor find darkness anymore cimmerian, boom, I’ve plunged into another hopeless crevasse. You see, he’s found another. Seemingly at least. And though it is premature of me to speculate, I should have known better. The chances of someone as incredible and handsome as he remaining single a moment longer was a wonder in itself.
It was utterly miraculous that he remained unattached for this protracted amount of time.
He’s been persistently attached to another, so after remaining solo for some months I believed that the Universe had a play in this. Going as far to assume that he might’ve created another opportunity for our paths to intermingle. Pivoting our souls towards the other once again, giving us that third or fourth chance to prosper. And in us existing in different times and with similar life roles and ambitions I hoped we’d find each other again. And I foolishly believed that we had more time. That the Universe had given us this time while he penned his intervention and paved a successful route for the two of us once again.
But it appears that another girl has swooped in and claimed his heart. A much younger one than I and he hints at happiness. And I want to be cheerful over his supposed intoxication but it pains me to contemplate if another is making him smile the way I used to. Worse still is that I don’t recall seeing him this giddy in years.
And though this all remains embryonic, I can’t help but surmise whilst pathetically pursue their social concurrences. Secretly analysing their public commentary on Facebook, trying to decipher if their banter is purely platonic or unabashedly flirtatious. I fanatically search for possible postings, scanning and reviewing the discussions, hoping it isn’t she whose responded; praying I’ve misjudged their relationship.
Cringing every time she calls him “bae”.
I can’t help but feel enraged when I see those three letters. Someone as creative and wonderfully articulate as he deserves someone who has no use for the word “bae” in their vocabulary. The word “totes” I can forgive but “bae”? That’s so high school.
And could I sound anymore juvenile? I am completely jealous, irked and aggrieved. Because it’s not the first time he’s been thrust into my orbit and cruelly remained so out of reach. He first appeared on my radar immediately after I split up with my ex. And when I was finally ready, boom, he become attached to another. I feel like this circus between us is never-ending; time seemingly inconvenient for the two of us. Maybe our souls lost that chance when we were adolescents, when I carelessly extinguished those undeniable flames because I was afraid. And in doing so inadvertently annihilated all hope for future reconciliations.
And even though we continue to appear in the others life sporadically, just like opposing magnets we can’t seem to attach. No matter the irrefutable connection nor the unquestionable attraction, it’s evidently futile. And in the end he is ultimately drawn to another that obviously corresponds more effortlessly than I.
And for me, what now? Do I wait or do I proceed forth? And proceed to what exactly? A life were I remain secluded and concealed awaiting Prince Charming to come and liberate me from this unlovable curse? Or continue pending a Prince of some sort, a Prince who I previously believed to be he?
I suppose for now I’ll stay conscious whilst continuing to pine away because I can’t seem draw my longing heart away from him and his pink sky. Everything about us is fitting and I refuse to surrender. Even as she tags photos of him. Even as she ‘likes’ his posts within seconds of him hitting that ‘enter’ key, my irrational heart wants to contest it all and throw caution to the wind. And at the same time my mind wants to whimper and cower, lower itself to the dominating female; the one who supposedly possesses his unyielding heart.
Regardless, I’ll find him later tonight. Faithfully by my side as I close my eyes and capitulate to the land of nod. A place where we freely drift to the other, where we remain together until the sun lights the plains of that other, unfavourable land. And though we must separate, we delight in knowing that we’ll meet again, just as soon as darkness encroaches and eyelids begin to droop with heaviness.
Everything is far superior in that dimension.