And so the months of purgatory persist with an early morning phone call, the kind that never equates to favourable news.

My world is askew and intensely unsound, vibrating still with the ebb and flow of dismay. My grandfather is in hospital, alarmingly since last Sunday. Heart problems they say but that is all they are willing to divulge. They want to keep me in the dark, a kind of ignorance on their part, a way of curating denseness to ease their minds. Recklessly quashing worry and uncertainty within.

And me? I’m numb, you see and panicked. There is sadness, terrible sadness and heartbreak. Anger, dejection, turmoil and of course the why’s? Why now? Why him? Why me? I greedily need him to be ok so I can perhaps pay a visit next year. I need him to pull through immediately and be his tenaciously self. To continue to plow his lands by hand and escort his prized cattle through fields of unkempt grass.

I am brutally remorseful that I haven’t seen him in over five years. I feel such extreme guilt for being a horribly unsupportive granddaughter because I know that he blames himself for my absence. He’s a tortured soul like that, feeling as though the wrongs of his past have caught up to him in his elderly years. Not that I haven’t wanted to drop everything and scurry away to the motherland. Certainly not for lack of trying, my depleted funds have disallowed me this.

I hate to ponder what he must think of me. His intense grief and disappointment in not seeing me in so long, especially now at such a fragile moment. This regret is consuming me whole, my tears blinding me. I’m bewildered to find myself yet again so stupidly powerless and at the mercy of God and the Universe. I’m on my knees begging, begging them to keep him well, to let me see him one last time. Not only for my sake but for his because I know what such an encounter would bring him; peace. Even though we’d never say much, maybe not even utter a single word to the other but to just be seated side by side, in the others presence is enough. It always has been.

Please let him be ok.









2 thoughts on “tribulation

  1. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your grandfather, I want you both to get that chance to see each other… message me anytime at all, I will talk whenever I can..

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