I’m beginning to question my actual relevance in this world; especially to those around me. I found myself yearning for more over time. Found myself leading a contrasting life to those I know. And because of this I’ve been cast aside, conveniently becoming that single girl in a class full of partnered individuals and I’m struggling to find a space and my place in this world again.
Like a single drop of extra virgin olive oil attempting to meld with an ocean of water.
People around me are no longer just getting married. I don’t get bombarded with Facebook notifications of engagements or wedding day hashtags. No. They’ve moved on from that stage and now in the process of having children; expanding their families. And I obviously don’t fit into that mould – not just yet, but then again, maybe I never will. I’ve accepted that I may never have a family, have little mini me’s running about making my hair greyer with each passing day. And I am truly ok with this. It’s not the most ghastly of occurrences, yet why do I continually feel like shit?
Is it because I’m feeling abandoned?
Or that comparison is the thief of joy?
Either way I’ve become painfully aware of the great divide and distance between myself and those around me. I am no longer a thriving planet orbiting within their solar system. I am not part of their cliques or inner circles as they are mine. Overnight they disbanded and amassed themselves into smaller groups, leaving me on the out. Just another forgotten friend or acquaintance, the kind you catch up with once or twice a year. I’ve been removed from speed dial and expelled from that favorites list. Worst still no longer someone you text random nonsense to, not even hastily respond to either. They have other things going, other “stuff” that takes importance over a drifter such as myself.
I do pathetically attempt to make contact though, seemingly reminding them I am still here, astray. Always reaching out, hoping to be pulled back into their orbits somehow.
I’ve become a lone wolf. One that just doesn’t fit into their environment.
I am lost and completely irrelevant and I miss being part of something. I don’t really understand the how or why’s of such an event but I want to point the finger and blame life. I accept that we all lead different lives, we all have “stuff” going on. Everyone you meet is fighting their own battle. It just sucks being alone and being the odd one out. Especially when being the odd one out is all you’ve ever known. How could it be that after so many years, I am yet to encounter my flock? I mustn’t be the only one feeling this way. There’d be others out there too, I suppose. I just need to locate them.