Just when the Universe hands you a flame to illuminate the encompassing darkness it shows no hesitation in promptly extinguishing that gift.
I was greeted with some wonderful news yesterday. A friend is house-sitting for another friend and asked me if I would join her. I wanted to scream a big fat yes into the receiver but I hesitated. My sidekick. What would happen to her for the next few weeks? What would happen to me without her company? I can not imagine a world were my little puppy dog was not near, so I plucked up the courage and asked if there was a possibility that she could joined us.
Thankfully it was.
So there I was jumping for joy, envisioning the freedom, envisioning the clothing and amenities I’d expeditiously need to pack when my cell buzzed once again. This time it was my father with the sad announcement that he and my mother were just made redundant. A job they’ve both held for thirty plus years, an Australian icon closing down its doors.
They’d been speaking of such doomsday throughout the previous year, so it should not have come as quite the surprise to our ears. But this news seem to reverberate and quiver through all of us like a never-ending 7.9 magnitude earthquake. And with the sudden snap of fingers all sense of hope for a prosperous New Year evaporated like a hot summer sun is to a few lone drops of spring water.
Selfishly all I could contemplate was myself. How this would impact me. I felt incredible guilt for pondering such frivolity during their time of need but then again, if I don’t consider my standing in this situation, then who will? And while my parents have enough savings, even a home or two they could potentially sell off and retire early with I won’t do well with this outcome. For now they are truly unable to help me in my financial mess. Not that I’d ever accept such aid from them (even when times were “good”) but now that possibility has been torn and cast completely aside. Any ambitions of ever owning my very own home has been flushed down the toilet. How could they ever assist me now that they face unemployment themselves? The great Australian dream of owning your own home has yet again been snatched from my grasp (not that I was even remotely close to obtaining it in the first place).
And then there is the frightful possibility that may potentially see me in throes of actual homelessness. I fear they may decide to sell their home in suburbia and move out to the country instead, perhaps living six months here and six months abroad in Western Europe.
So where does it all leave me?
For the last two years my world has spun wildly out of my control. I’ve been at my lowest ebb for what feels like an eternity and just when I think I’ve sunk as far as one can sink, I capsize impossibly further. It just get’s worse and worse so when does it get fucking better? What am I supposed to take from this? What lessons have I needed to learn? My resilience? Strength? I get it, for the love of God let’s move on now Universe. Please. I’m tired of these games, of treading water and sinking in quicksand. This all feels like a torturous game of Survivor with no end in sight nor one million dollar prize to strive for. I’m beginning to question why I even set out here in the first place, why I continue to bother at all.
Freedom? What freedom?
I want to remain positive and optimistic but I fear that well has dried.