My parents announced their intention to wipe my financial slate clean and I don’t know how to feel about this.
I should be elated in having that all-encompassing onus expunged from my shoulders.
I should feel an immense sense of liberation; the kind I’ve so longed for.
I should feel all that and more, yet all I seem to sense is some imperceptible noose being skilfully strung around my neck.
I should be grateful because I have been dreaming of some form of financial freedom for years now.
I’ve been tirelessly praying for miracles; hoping for a windfall of cash to casually land in my lap.
And here it is.
So why do I feel such resistance?
And by feeling this way I can’t help but note how much of an unappreciative bitch I am being.
Have those bastards ground me to oblivion? Has the world actually succeeded in destroying my trusting nature? Because truthfully a major part of me is sceptical. Plus I’ve heard this song before so I can’t help but question their motives, rather than seeing some plausible honourable intentions. And this makes me sad. Questioning their moves like a game of chess; desperately protecting my queen at all costs. Becoming so numb, being so oblivious to the goodness of other humans. Especially of my own family.
Is it a truly genuine offer? Do they really give a damn? Or are they simply trying to shuffle property about amidst their looming retirement?
More importantly, will there be strings attached?
I need to accept their offer but I’ve become too proud to welcome help willingly. I need this, not just for freedom but for my own mental health. The inner turmoil of anxiety and emotions raging within me has kept me in a silent prison. Withdrawing me to its soothing dank confines; distracting me with resplendent daydreams whilst rotting me physically on the outside.
I yearn to reach out for that assistance. But this new cautious nature of mine keeps my outstretched palms at bay.
I wanted to be the one to save myself, especially after so many strenuous years sans palpable help. I needed to redeem myself; to correct those errors of my financial past. To imbue this lesson into my mind, to never repeat those oversights, never spending more than what I actually have. These eight years of financial hardship are a part of my story now. They’ve moulded me into the being that I am. Empathetic, generous and kind-hearted. I always envisioned this chapter concluding with me painted as the grand champion; I wanted to be my own hero. There is something poetically pleasing in knowing that one unchained themselves from misfortune. That it was they who assassinated their demons, not some fictional Prince Charming.
This is pride talking, stubbornness who wanted to prove a point. Take it or leave it? Decline or accept? Mentally solving this riddle is effortless, voicing it however proves to be a most onerous feat.