lipstick envy

Last night I attended a small beauty soirée at Liz’s house. I’d been invited just days prior and had been overly apprehensive about making an appearance; mostly anxious about the possibility of an encounter with the mean girl gang. The ones I once called friends.

Thankfully they were absent so my night was very much delightful.

As the festivities came to an end Liz and I got a chance to converse. Another lost friend of ours was mentioned.

Angela.

Apparently she chanced upon her whilst catching up with another. She was surprised and a little frustrated over the encounter. She was well aware that the two kept in touch, she held no qualms over their friendship either, she just never expected a possible confrontation. Despite the fact Angela now works in the same shopping mall Liz frequents; a store in which she is constantly fleeting past. She’s well aware that she is noticed and vice versa, yet they both elect to ignore each other.

She was irked over their meeting and at the excessive fakeness that ensued. Apparently Angela was inordinately eager for a chat over coffee and an opportunity to meet Liz’s little man. Though she never once expressed palpable enthusiasm over a meet whenever Liz walked past her store, nor did she wave or mouth a “hello”. Regardless she was willing to play nice and revisit those ‘good old days’.

What struck me most was how keen they seemingly were to reconcile and how I wasn’t a part of it.

I felt so dejected and ostracised.

These were the girls I grew up with, females I once called dear friends. But here I am on the outskirts; a complete stranger, simply forgotten.

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image via life with a voice

I want to be bitter for this rejection, resentful that Angela had made zero effort in maintaining some form of relationship with myself considering we’d been friends since primary school. I tried to be enraged over their cheek but melancholy was far too robust, leaving me despondent over my apparent irrelevance. It’s distressing knowing how forgettable of a person I am to them; how they no longer see my worth or validity.

At the same time I understand I am no innocent. I realise I never fought vigorously enough for these friendships. I tend to shut people out when I need them most. I changed, unbeknownst to them, dramatically morphing into my actual true self which was not the being they once knew. I purposely created space for like-minded people, removing those who no longer served me nor I them. I did all this on good faith that the Universe would provide me a flock of flamingos to bask within. A group of people who would see to it that I personally flourished, mentally and creatively. People who would support me and I they. Yet here I am, waiting still. So very alone at times and so very misplaced. Wandering alone like a wraith, lingering between flocks, constantly searching for acceptance.

Where are my promised people?

xxx

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3 thoughts on “lipstick envy

  1. It’s terrible to lose friends… especially one’s you believed you were so close with… I truly hope your flock shows up soon… I would certainly elect to be one of them if we lived much closer♡

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