This tune was blithely frolicking in my mind immediately after learning of a close friends engagement. Dramatic much? But I feel as though I took this announcement surprisingly well, considering I’d always envisioned the two of us running amok while we deteriorated and aged over the years. Being all single and utterly fabulous; maturing gracefully. But those visions of two audacious grey haired ladies shall no longer be. And perhaps I’m not taking it as well as assumed, considering this song has been on a continuous loop for many days now. I feel a formidable sense of guilt in being so selfish. This is a time for carouse and adulation; a dream of hers elegantly manifested. Something I’ve known she’s deeply ached for is hic et nunc. I want to be truly elated for her but all I can focus on is how this now impacts me.
It feels like another line is drawn, further alienating me from those I adore.
But we haven’t seen nor spoken to each other in months, only a mere birthday congratulations a few weeks back. And even though this proclamation threatens to continue to divide I can’t help but hope for the best. Because she is one of my closest friends, one who has been there relentlessly, through good times and bad. Plus who else will celebrate my next birthday in Vegas with me? Though I do fear she’ll announce a date in dangerous proximity to my own day. Then truly who would bother to revel with me? Because, undoubtedly they’d choose her.
And no one ever intentionally chooses me.
How is it that I have come to be so egotistical? And how have I misplaced the ability to be truly euphoric for someone I deeply love and care about?