With the ties of financial burdens loosened and obliterated, my focus now shifts to more poignant matters. Matters of the heart; of life and love, people and those who support.
And my apparent lack of all of the above.
It’s incredible how alone someone can be, even when surrounded by people. It’s one of the worst aliments to face. Robin Williams surmised it best:
I used to think the worst things in life was to end up all alone. It’s not. The worst thing is to end up with people who make you feel all alone.
This is something I’ve truly endured all my life.
Thankfully, I do have my adoring sidekick, without which, melancholy would have surely swallowed me whole.
How is it that life has warped so? Why has it left me stagnant and barren? Nestled away behind impenetrable glass walls and conveniently eliminated from the minds of those my heart holds dear.
How have my relationships come to be this way? Did I pushed people too far? My lack and falseness categorising me into that too hard pile? Or has life just steered them in a separate direction, plucking them from my grasp. If so, then why has it not replaced them with other likeminded souls? The kind that I could reach out to and connect with.
Why was it that when I reached out to those I love about my birthday wishes, I found only one willing companion (provided she could find a job and save enough money by then)? The others had made plans, plans that outweighed my own. Then there was an incredibly important birthday party to attend over the weekend and despite giving notice I found they all attempted to evade me. Once again, preferring their own plans over my own.
Of course, I did not attend. I could not have arrived alone and unaccompanied to this party. I just didn’t know anyone, except for the birthday boy himself. It was a different crowd to my own and the ones I’ve known my whole life and frankly I did not feel like being rejected by another group of humans.
I am tired of facing these kinds of tribulations, these kinds of nuances. I don’t want to be the third wheel anymore nor do I care for consistently being an invisible form in every room. I’m tired of people pushing me aside and giving up on me, of no longer seeing my value or worth. I have a hard enough time locating those in myself thank you.
I want my people. And I want them now.