I’ve had this sinking feeling in my stomach for a while now. I’ve been attempting to overlook it and praying this inkling was false. But I finally received the confirmation I’d been dreading for so long.
Ever since the announcement of my friends engagement I’ve been feeling rather uneasy. And after receiving an unexpected call out of the blue to inform me of her engagement party, that pit in my stomach trembled with fervor.
I started to suspect my suspicions were valid.
A few weeks ago she invited me over for dinner and happened to mention that she was summoning another friend of ours. And for the first time, in the longest of times I began to feel hopeful; at least I knew this could go one of two ways. One, that she would ask the both of us to be her bridesmaids or two, that I somehow wasn’t going to be a part of her bridal party.
Unfortunately the latter proved right.
Seemingly, she had chosen her bridesmaids weeks ago, limited to only three. And I did not make the cut and naturally so, when it comes to ranks I do fall to number four amongst her chosen three. What I don’t quite understand was why she could not have four bridesmaids? Despite the justification of her choice being that her fiance was awaiting a response from a friend to agree to be in his party.
If he said yes, then I’d totally have the position.
I can’t even begin to tell you how hurtful that was to hear. I personally don’t understand the dilemma? Because If you truly yearned to have someone up there with you, then you would insist upon it?
Secretly I struggle with anxiety related to FOMO (fear of missing out). In particular FOMO when it comes to weddings; especially in being a bridesmaid. A fear which no one seems to comprehend. And why would they? Weddings are a part of life.
But not mine.
As most young girls do, I too fantastised about weddings growing up. Especially since I was never presented with opportunities to attend them. Truthfully my parents circle of friends extended to immediate family only. And growing up with numerous Italian friends who had weddings to attend to every weekend, this fascination and enticement was cemented deep within. Despite weddings always feeling so off limits to me.
During my lifetime I’ve only ever attended two. One when I was twelve. A small affair of twenty five people with a reception at the brides parents home. In hindsight, it wasn’t much of a wedding, even if I was the girl who snared the bouquet in the backyard. The second was when I was nineteen. My cousins wedding in a foreign country, with traditions and a ceremony that was alien to those I idealized and saw on movies. It was also an event marred by the bitchiness of her girlfriends and their snide remarks on my choice of gown.
Growing up I sometimes suspected that marriage wouldn’t be in the cards for me, but I never imagined I’d never get to participate in one. I guess I’ve over romanticized the idea of standing up there with a close friend on their big day. A privilege to support and be part of such a beautiful and vital moment in the lives.
There is one being in this world who personally knows of this fear and it’s her. And that makes this so much more upsetting. Especially during a time in my life where I’m struggling with relevance while feebly searching for an anchor to keep my ship from straying. It’s saddening that she didn’t inform me immediately, waiting months on end and being in secret cahoots before doing so.
It is her prerogative but still it’s excruciating to learn that she did not feel it necessary to insist on having a place for me, that she doesn’t want or need me to stand up there with her.
Truthfully it has been weeks since this transpired and yet the pain feels so, so fresh and I’m not so sure I’ll ever recover from this. Worse yet, I’m uneasy over the notion that I’ll literally never be someones bridesmaid. Because frankly I have no more unmarried friends left.