be my guest

Christmas has come and gone and while it wasn’t as exceedingly harrowing as years passed, it was still very much laced with melancholy.

There was the heartbreak that this would be our last festive sojourn with a longtime family friend (who elected to permanently move back to Europe in the New Year). And then there was the added distress in the tragic conformation that yet another family friend has been diagnosed with a small cluster of cancer in her lungs and pancreas.

Possibly her liver too.

This lady and her husband happen to be the most selfless people I’ve ever met. And she is such a kind and joyful soul. To me they’ve become a surrogate uncle and aunt; especially after being seemingly abandoned by my own.

After your passing Maria, they stepped up and consoled our family and have been doting on us ever since. They’ve become family to me and I just don’t understand why this has happened to her; family history be damned.

I can not fathom how the Universe could be so perniciously callous. And in such a way, at such a time. So rapacious and eager to take one precious life. One that is so beloved and required by so many.

So why must they take those who want and need to stay? And yet those of us with no purpose or necessity remain fastened to this Earth, lingering and further depleting precious resources?

image via tumblr

I wish I could trade places with her because I’d happily give my life for hers.

She has so much still to see and do. Like paying witness to her granddaughters on their wedding days. To helping her own daughter raise a newborn baby. Giving much needed direction and advice while watching her grandsons grow from toddlers to young men. Or becoming a great grandmother, even the small task of being my mothers best friend.

She has so much to live for and yet the Universe/God desires to take her away from us. Why can’t they take me instead? I have no reason to be here anymore. For years I’ve called for guidance, the last few weeks have practically seen me silently begging for a single reason to remain and yet provided with nothing but reticence. Seemingly I’ve reached the end of my road and there is just no where to go. I’m moving into the third decade of life with no home, no friendships, no family and no hope.

Please, don’t do this. Not to her. Not to her husband. Not to her family. Not to my parents.

Please don’t take her, but take me instead.



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