I’ve been eluding you Maria because in avoiding writing to you I can somehow avert the intense sadness that has been sweeping through my being since I returned from my birthday vacation.
Logical isn’t it.
Yet in practicing such evading attempts all it has served is to assist these feelings to fester obstreperously within.
I am ashamed to admit that I’ve held grudges for months now, and am unsure of how or if I want to let them go. Such actions have lead to me becoming despicably spiteful and petty to those I feel have wronged me. I’ve committed shameful acts of paltry these past few months; audacious acts of tit for tat.
Albeit silent and most probably unnoticed ones at that.
This year began with such promise. I finally made it to America after countless years of yearning. But that is where euphoria peaked; merely in anticipation of such a sojourn. Sadly the journey left me incredibly disappointed and marred by frivolous drama and arguments. This should have revitalised my soul not weakened and wearied me further. It could have been the adventure of a lifetime, one that was so intensely prepared for. One that I dreamt and swooned over for so many years. I had such energetic expectations and hopes for this trip, things like socialising and meeting with other creatives and of course those profound moments of inner clarity that become apparent when one travels.
And despite wandering at leisure, taking in monumental sights such as the Grand Canyon and Monument Valley all I departed with was much dissatisfaction, regret and self pity. And in having returned I’ve plummeted right back to rock bottom. Back to being trapped in this pit of nothingness, helplessly watching from the sidelines, awaiting opportunity yet not quite understanding why I’m even here anymore.
Why does it feel like I’ve passed my use by date? And why does it feel as though I expired many moons ago?
It doesn’t make sense to me. My life and where I am. Especially when in comparison to my peers.
There was a time when panic would set in over an engagement announcement. Then the waves of marriage came followed alarmingly by baby revelations. In fact most people have already had their second child and here I am merely wallowing in confusion. Simply perplexed at how I’ve come to be at this stage of life already. My standing in solitude would not be as disenchanting had I something to show for. Had I truly been living the life I wanted to live, or even a mere hint of it. A life sans ridiculous financial constraints and a support team who do anything but. A life that made me proud and fulfilled, not one that I am utterly ashamed of.
One in which I made myself proud and was able to carry myself in such a way too.