I spend the majority of my days full of woes and accusations, feelings akin to a wraith wandering hopelessly; unrecognisable, ever distant and imperceptible. And yet when someone shows me a hint of kindness or simply regards my actual presence I scamper away as if repelled by humanity.
Why do I react in such a way?
Why did I struggle to meet his gaze yesterday?
Someone I simply work with, his heart of ice finally tempered and opened to me. A humble smile and acknowledged “hello”, a genuine gratitude and camaraderie for lending a helping hand the other week and yet all I could manage was to cower timidly, desperately praying that our paths not to cross again that day.
Why did I behave so foolishly?
Was there an attraction I hadn’t noted before? As if by playing it”cool” and uninterested I could somehow cover such ridiculous unrequited feelings? Am I simply uncomfortable being recognised by others, especially when it comes to the opposite sex?
Or am I purely alarmed at the notion of being perceived as I am in that moment, all unkempt hair and imperfect make-up? Anxious about a timorous and ineffectual nature rather than a “perfectly” fearless and magnetic one.
At night I dream of a girl who is purely confident, friendly and capable to stand her ground and uphold her morals. And at times I can slightly embody that; if only for a millisecond or so. But how I yearn to be that very girl in my dreams. Loud and full of laughter, the complete opposite to my introvert self.
Beautifully unafraid and fearless.
But as long as I continue to reject my complete self, discredit the wonder that is on the inside and hold grave importance to an outer shell, I shall never break free of such nonsensical traits. I need to find a way to cease in fostering and harboring feelings of not being “enough”, which goes hand-in-hand with an inflicting low self esteem; one which has been conditioned my entire life.
Otherwise I’m limited to a life of seclusion and misery, perpetual dejection and solitary isolation; eerily similar to the life I lead today.