I like to envision being the type of human who exudes poise and assurance effortlessly. The kind I see the majority possessing ever so calmly. To be capable of recognising and emitting such confidence out in public as I do when obscured by both physical and metaphysical walls. To be a person who is not outright overlooked and disregarded. If only I could be undeniably captivating, bewitching and alluring. Radiating such luminescence from a soul so tormented, yet so astute and pure. Regarded by those in close proximity, they are attracted and intoxicated by my presence. Much like a moth to a flame and I am fearless and unafraid to meet their gaze.
And then I wonder if perchance I already do emit such things; evidently unbeknownst to me. Without sounding conceited, perhaps this luster and grandness I note and suppress within is indisputable to those around me. They feel that resplendency and cower before it, like a subject to its master. Humans are fickle creatures after all. Easily intimidated and weary of the unconventional.
Perhaps this brilliance is too bright for ignorant eyes; a brilliance they willingly elect to reject.
I’ve been eluding you Maria because in avoiding writing to you I can somehow avert the intense sadness that has been sweeping through my being since I returned from my birthday vacation.
Logical isn’t it.
Yet in practicing such evading attempts all it has served is to assist these feelings to fester obstreperously within.
I am in La-La Land, can you believe it Maria?
I actually can not.
Despite being here for a good two weeks now.
I’ve marvelled at blue skies laced with palm fronds, entangled amongst the infamous traffic and devoured burger upon burger and yet, it is all so surreal.
Last night my heart yearned for you and I guess I’ve never quite felt your absence more than I do right now. Mostly because I don’t have anyone in close proximity to me that I can simply call and talk to anymore. Not just about pointless things but the deeper, trivial stuff; the stuff I think I’m finally willing to share.
The time has come to ring in another New Year.
What shall it bring?
I hope for only good things.
Christmas has come and gone and while it wasn’t as exceedingly harrowing as years passed, it was still very much laced with melancholy.